Archives For solace

'Depression' photo (c) 2008, Eddi van W. - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

I’m going to be honest: I don’t know how to thrive. From the outside, my upbringing was white, middle-class suburbia. From the outside, my current life is the same: white, middle-class suburbia. But on the inside, it was chaos.

It still is.

I have been in survival mode all of my life. The chaos around me–messy house, messy car–feels normal. It’s what I know.

Either that, or I don’t care. Life has been about finding that one bright, shining place. A quantum of solace, if you will. This will make me feel good. That will make me feel normal. It never works.

My sleep is worse than ever, but I still get up, go to work, do what I have to.

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'girl with braids' photo (c) 2008, dmarklaing - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

She was always there. When life got hard, she was there with open arms, and a warm smile. She understood me, knew everything about me, and never turned me away.

She was always there. Down through the years, over the highways and byways, she never let me down. There was solace at her bosom, and a great warmth in her heart. To be near her was to know life.

She was always there. Oh, her visage changed over the course of years, but that was to be expected, right? No one stands immune to ravages of time… Except her. She was somehow perpetually youthful.

She was always there for me. Until it was time to be free.

Her name was not “grandma,” or “mom, ” or even “wife.”

No, her name was pornography, and she lied to me.

Even so: she never made me look. I was the mook who let himself be carried away by her Siren song.

She was always there, until I understood that she was never there at all.

Who, or what, has always been there for you? Have you sought solace in places, or things, you shouldn’t have?