Archives For satire

In keeping with my leitmotif, random, I bring you today’s post. You have Larry Carter to blame thank for it. I read his post when it hit my inbox last night, and it inspired me! (Go read Larry’s fine blog, and leave a comment or two).

'You might be a redneck if your bicycle has a gun rack' photo (c) 2008, Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

If you think Harry Potter is the devil, you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call the NIV the “Not Included Version,” you might be a fundamentalist. (TNIV=”Today’s Not Included Version”).

If your church is like the Blues Brothers, and has both kinds–Southern and Baptist–you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call your baptistry a “cement pond,” you might be a fundamentalist who watches too much Beverly Hillbillies.

If you decry the theology of the foot-washing Freewill Baptists as being “too liberal,” you might be a Fundamentalist who hates cleanliness. But you just know there’s something wrong about serving communion immediately following a foot washing.

If your choice of Bible is like Highlander (“There can be only one”), the KJV, you might be a Fundamentalist. And just like that fine movie, no worthy sequels to the KJV have ever been produced, either.

If you believe that the unseen movers and shakers behind Hollywood, Scientology, chemtrails, the Obama presidency, and Ke$ha’s inexplicable success go by the name “Illuminati,” you might be a Fundamentalist.

Remember: “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” (That’s from the KJV, yo). 😉 Thanks for reading!

What about you? Might you be a Fundamentalist? Drop it like it’s hot in the comments below:

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You might know the name, Rob Bell; if not, he’s the controversial former pastor of Mars Hill Church in Michigan. He’s known as leading figure in the Emergent Church (though he personally rejects that label).

Rob’s written some books. You may have heard of them. You may even have read some of them.

What you didn’t know it’s that they were all almost published under vastly different titles.

1) Velvet Bell-Vis: Refilling My Bank Account

2) Sex Rob: I Have Progeny, and So Should You

3) Drops Like Starburst: Nom Nom Delicious Candy

4) Rob Wins. Again.

5) What Rob Talks About When Rob Talks About Rob

There you have it, folks: the original, true, and correct titles of Rob Bell’s bestselling books. You heard it here first.

Your turn. What funny titles can you come up with for some famous Christian book? Best one wins a copy of Leanne Shirtliffe’s hilarious book, Don’t Lick the Minivan.

Have at it!

'VATICAN SURPRISE' photo (c) 2005, Tim Engleman - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Bite Me, Joel Osteen.

My Best Life Now? Seriously?

Does that best life include:

My sleep apnea

My wife’s:

Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, and allergies so bad she can’t breathe through her nose for months on end?

My son’s chronic back problems?

Loved ones dying of cancer?

What part of this is “best,” Joel?

“But, bless God, brother,” you say. “You just need to take a hold of it.” Well, d’oh! What do you think I’ve been doing? Playing tiddlywinks? I pray–I believe–everyday.

You say “Well maybe you just don’t have faith? Pray for faith, brother.” Doing this, too, bro.

Everyday.

By my reckoning, I’d say that I have much the same faith as:

Abraham–who died without receiving his inheritance

Gideon–who twice laid out his fleece before God

Barak–who wouldn’t go fight unless Deborah accompanied him

David–who killed Uriah to cover up his sin

Job–who suffered it seems so God could win a bet with the devil

The Apostle Paul–who was shipwrecked, stoned (with actual rocks, not pot), and cast adrift in the open ocean

It seems to me, Joel, that their hope was not in having the best life now, but in having a blessed life now.

Which meant walking with God, and trusting him, through hard things. Not being delivered from those hard things, but rather being delivered through them.

Because it seems to me that having the best life now means having a hope in the hereafter, where “He [God] will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4, ESV).

Bite me, Joel Osteen: the best is yet to be.

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The news has recently broken that Nicolas Cage is rebooting the Left Behind film franchise. Yes, it’s a real thing. Christian production company Cloud Ten is behind it. Apparently, the the film is budgeted at only $15 million. Yes, I know–it’s a staggering sum for us mere mortals, but in Hollyweird that’s peanuts. Consider for instance M. Night Shyamalan’s almost-universally panned The Happening. That apocalyptic film had a budget of $57 million.

I heard that sharp intake of breath, suddenly silenced. That’s right, folks: that was the best they could do with $57. Million. Dollars!

I don’t know about you, but a budget of just $15 million doesn’t give me much hope for a film which ostensibly aspires to capitalize on the “adventurous aspects” of the Left Behind franchise. I mean, come on, how much ILM time can be bought for $15 million? I’d guess not a whole lot.

So there must be something else going on, right?

Why this, why now, why Nicolas Cage?

Is he knowing something we don’t? Are there signs pointing to something perhaps a little more sinister?

I think there are.

Let me explain:

Here’s an actor who went from winning an Academy Award for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas to starring in The Rock. And from thence to Con Air.

In fact for every Leaving, and Adaptation, there were bizarro career choices like the Wicker Man, and

Ghost Rider.

And that’s an interesting one; in it, Cage plays Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcycle rider. A rider who makes a deal with the devil to save his father’s life. The deal is made, and the devil being a liar, Blaze’s dad dies anyway.

However, in addition to being a liar, the devil has an elephantine memory, and calls Johnny’s payment due–turning him into the supernatural enforcer, Ghost Rider.
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And that right there, folks, is the key to unlocking the mystery of the Left Behind remake: that deal made on celluloid for all to see.

Let me ask you: who is the antagonist of the Left Behind series? Nikolai Carpathia.

Whose name does that sound like? Nicolas Cage.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, they share the same name! (A cursory Google search has shown that “Carpathia,” when translated from Romanian, means “Coppola,” which is Cage’s real last name).

Nicolas Cage = Nikolai Carpathia.

Thus I conclude that Nicolas Cage is in fact the antichrist. There’s no other explanation for these (awful) movies being remade.

The payment on his career is coming due, and that payment is undisputedly Left Behind.

What do you think?

Do You Need A Minion?

randomlychad  —  October 16, 2012 — 9 Comments

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Volunteers.

Interns.

Research Assistants.

Apprentices.

Personal Assistants.

Minions.

In the past couple of years–since Despicable Me released–the word minion has come back into vogue. If you’re overwrought, overworked, under slept without enough hours in the day, you need a minion.

Author working on a book? No time for research?

You need a minion.

Computer tech? Without enough time to install all those Windows updates?

You need a minion.

Busy mom? With too much on her plate?

You need a minion.

Have I got a deal for you!

Unlike Craigslist, home of the “re-homing” fee, I’m prepared to offer you a minion absolutely free of charge. Honest–there’s no catch. Think of it! A free minion to do your bidding.

You can concentrate on the work that’s important, while your new minion:

Watches your T.V.

Bunks out in front of it, playing Assassin’s Creed XXIII.

Empties your refrigerator of all the choicest foodstuffs.

Leaves socks, shoes, underwear around your house.

Hears your requests for assistance, responds in the affirmative, and does nothing.

Trips over own socks, shoes, and undergarments–because minion has forgotten leaving them here, there, and everywhere.

Minion also (obviously) refuses to:

Clean up after self.

Refrain from fighting with sibling.

Constantly challenges proper authority.

Won’t clean windows

Or pick up after pets.

Minion answers to the name “teenager.”

What I’m saying is: take my minion, please!*

Oh, wait… Do you already have a minion of your own?

*Entirely tongue-in-cheek, folks; I love my “minion,” and wouldn’t trade him in for anything. Just using satire to vent some (hopefully common) parental frustrations.