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As I’m vacationing with my family this week, I decided last minute to take a break from posting this week. And because I’m a dumby who doesn’t plan ahead, I put out a last minute desperate plea call for guest posts. Along with Michelle Woodman, the always hilarious Kevin Haggerty rose to the challenge as well.

If you follow me on @randomlychad, you know that I put out a humorous challenge asking our blogging friends to the North to tell us all why Canada is better. Michelle’s post dropped on Monday. The following is Kevin’s rebuttal.

    Why America Is Awesomer than Canada

Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be to try and correct the grammar in my headline. But let me stop you right there.

Fact: Every time someone tries to stop a blogger from using the word ‘awesomer,’ the terrorists win.

Earlier in the week, Chad challenged the good people of the Internet to state why Canada was better than America.

This, of course, was a facetious spoof of a request, yet Michelle Woodman was unable to see the trapdoor under the thatch covering.

God bless her. She did her best. But I believe her strongest point had something to do with Captain Kirk and alien blood.

That just isn’t going to get it done.

So, now that we’re done humoring Michelle, let’s get back to reality. America is clearly a superior country to Canada, and really to any country that is not named ‘Narnia.’

That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. (Sidenote: Do they call them cookies in Canada? Do you guys even know what I’m talking about right now? Should I call them scones? Maybe crackers?)

Michelle used a list. I guess that’s the format this debate is taking, so I’ll use one too.

Without further ado, here are the reasons why the United States of America is undoubtedly better than Canada:

Lack of Celebs

For giggles, I just visited Wikipedia (which everyone knows is the true source of everything factual in the world) and found its page titled “List of Canadians.” Essentially, the page is supposed to list all noteworthy Canadians, ever.

Now, I was admittedly scanning the page, much in the same way that I listen to the opinions of people who are fans of the Twilight films. With that said, I scrolled almost the entire page before I saw names I cared about (or should I say, ‘aboot?’).

What were the names, you ask? They were Terrance and Phillip from the TV series Southpark.

If you’re unfamiliar with their respective greatness, here’s everything you need to know in ten seconds:

In summary, the most famous celebs in Canada are two cartoons characters who purposely fart on each other.

Nice.

It’s Always Cold!

It couldn’t have been more than two weeks ago that my dear Canadian buddy, Leanne Shirtliffe, was posting pictures of her snowy back yard.

At the time, it was almost 90 degrees here in “The States.”

Don’t even come at me with the standard “But the summers are so beautiful!” defense. Two to three months of splendor doesn’t make up for the rest of the year, when you’re having to dig your car out, just to go to the grocery store.

If I ever want to freeze my boogers solid, I’ll book the first flight to Quebec.

The French

One of Michelle’s arguments for Canada being superior to America is its bilingual status.

Great. Really something to be proud of. Half of your country is confusing. And have you ever heard someone speak French? It sounds like they’re gagging or about to hock a loogee.

And what kind of people group proudly eats snails and fish eggs?? Could you just not get your hands on any squirrel feces?

The worst part of French peoples’ Frenchness is that they carry about them a completely unearned air of superiority.

Seriously. Why the snobbery? You’re largely known for retreating in battle and avoiding bar soap.

Cut it out.

If you’re still wanting for evidence that America kicks the butt of all that is French, I’d like to present you with ‘Exhibit A:’

Closing Argument

Not that I really need to shore up my case any futher, but I’ll wrap things up with this.

I want you to watch the following video. Don’t take breaks. Don’t fast forward. Watch the whole thing:

Case closed.

In all seriousness, I hope you Canucks are able to take this with a grain of salt. We like you. We really do. Thanks for peanut butter, the prosthetic hand, and for inventing the man who invented basketball.

You guys rule, eh?

Kevin blogs at the awesome The Isle of Man, and you can follow him on Twitter @kevinrhaggerty. On a personal note, He’s been a great online friend to me, and this blog. As such, I would like to entreat your prayers for Kevin and his wife, Kim, as they are launching into both parenthood, and an unknown future. Kevin was recently laid off from his teaching job, and is following his dream of being a writer. Thanks so much.

Because my family and I are vacationing this week, I thought it would be good to open my blog up for some guest posts. As with most things in my life, I didn’t really plan this out in advance. In this case, at all. Michelle Woodman answered my desperate plea last minute call, and handily cranked out the following:

5 Ways Canada Is More Better Than America

Chad Jones is a bit of a pot-stirrer. Why else would he issue the following challenge on Twitter?

pot stirrer

Now generally I’m not much of a pot-stirrer. There are other people who have an innate ability for such things, and most everyone who knows me will tell you I am not in that category. Plus, as often happens when I’m put on the spot, I proceeded to draw a blank in terms of Canada’s awesomeness. Ask me in 24 hours and I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of wonderful reasons why Canada kicks the proverbial patootie of the United States. But as of right now?

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Not helping the situation is seeing who else Chad issued his Twitter challenge to. These people are seriously funny. If you don’t believe me, check out their Twitter feeds and blogs. Now check out mine.

Point made, no?

But like a beaver knawing through a maple tree, I will not be deterred. So after much internet surfing and other acts of randomness, I have come up with the following list (make of it what you will):

Five Reasons Why Canada is Better Than the U.S.

1. Canada is officialy a bilingual country. Now as any high school graduate will tell you, taking high school French classes will not make you bilingual. But it will provide you with additional reading material in the morning as you persuse the ingredients list on the box of cereal.
2. Canada is hilarious. We produce comedians like Cuba produces cigars. And I’m not talking only about the comedians who have found fame and fortune south of the 49th parallel. Go to You Tube, type SCTV in the search field and pick a video. You’re welcome.
3. Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in October. This means we have plenty of time to get over our turkey hangovers (and get rid of the leftovers) before Christmas rolls around.
4. Canada is the birthplace of William Shatner. There are those who would say this is a dubious honour at best. But riddle me this: What would Spock have been without Captain Kirk? Just another green-blooded, know-it-all alien, that’s what. How boring.
5. Canada has more practical (and prettier) currency. Google may think Rome is the country of choice for pickpockets, but I dare say the United States is the unofficial pickpocket capital. With all that green, how can anyone tell how much money is in their wallet at a glance? In Canada, that’s not a problem. We will know in seconds if a brown $100 bill or a pink $50 bill is missing. It takes even less time if a pickpocket pilfers our loonies and toonies.

Michelle blogs regularly at This Time Around. She is (obviously) Canadian, works with children, and is wife to her awesome husband, Jeff. She is a blogging buddy I met through Bryan Allain’s Killer Tribes. Even though she may not think so, she’s a funny lady (though she has been known to watch Big Bang Theory on occasion). You can read more about Michelle here. Follow her on Twitter @crosscribe.

Trading Neuroses

randomlychad  —  June 1, 2012 — 8 Comments

(Skip to the end if you’re interested in guest posting for me).

Recently, I had an opportunity to submit I guest post for review by a person I respect. The work represented an effort on my part to stretch myself beyond my typical subject matter.

Thing is, when I didn’t get as timely a response as I expected, I freaked a bit, became a pest. There are some reasons behind it, but none are here offered as excuses.

But first, a little history:

Continue Reading…

This morning, I received an email from “Timehop Abe” indicating that one year ago today, I guest posted for Adam McHugh on patenting as introverted dad. Following is an excerpt:

“Coupled with my sinful nature, being an introverted parent leaves me
feeling nothing so much as guilt. I feel guilty when I take time to be by
myself, because it’s not always at an opportune time for my wife, or kids.
But the fact is, at least during the week, I’ve been at my job all day, been
engaging in “functional extroversion.” Though ostensibly my work is with
technology, it’s really in customer service–thus I must be amiable,
friendly, “chatty” throughout the day. I’m no less than exhausted when I get home. I find that I must retreat, must do something to replenish my mental and emotional stores. So it is that, because we have no office in our home, I sequester myself in the bathroom. It’s the one place where, mostly, I
won’t be bothered. This however does not keep my heart from feeling pangs of guilt when my children knock at the door, begging for my attention. It hurts me, it hurts them, but right then I literally have nothing to give. Not a
thing.”

Please head over to Adams’s blog, the Introverted Church, to read the rest.

Note: This is a guest post by Jim Woods. He is a writer, musician and dreamer in Nashville, TN. His passion lies in helping others fulfill their dreams. You can read more of his posts on his personal blog, or follow him on Twitter @unknownjim.

Transparency: The Only Cure-All for Holier Than Thou-itis

I recently read Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz. As a result of the book, I began questioning my experience with corporate Christianity. I didn’t really know why, but I had feelings of pain inside.

It wasn’t until I visited my home church again that I discovered why I been feeling this way. In his sermon the pastor said,” Sin is unbecoming of a child of God. Whoever sins practices lawlessness and therefore he who sins tramples on Jesus.” The pastor repeated this statement several times, and at no point mentioned how this applied to himself.

This statement, combined with the tone in which it was delivered, came across as both arrogant and condescending. I firmly believe we are ALL sinners in desperate need of God’s grace, pastors included.

At some point, I started to think only pastors were capable of having a close connection with God. I had screwed up, and missed my chance for a close, authentic relationship with Him. In my mind, pastors have extensive knowledge of the Bible, pray for hours every day, and go to seminary. So of course they have a stronger bond with God.

I know this logic is flawed, but when you’ve been inundated with a tone of condescension, it becomes accepted. Even in a Bible-preaching Baptist church.

The truth is the person giving the sermon is in no way more “holy” or “worthy” than the rest of us. The pastor does not have a VIP Pass granting immediate access while everyone else waits for their number to be called. We all have our own VIP Pass, no one is a second class citizen!

God loves me despite what I’ve done. He doesn’t grade me based on how many hours I’ve prayed or how much I have read my Bible. There is NOT a spiritual contest. God’s love is equal for ALL OF US.

How can we promote healing in relationships within the church?

Speak up. If someone offends you, let them know. But do so in a loving, patient, kind manner. This is probably not the best thing to email about. Make it a phone call or even meet face-to-face.

Talk about real life. Not a conceptual, theological discussions filled with hard to understand terminology and ancient jargon.

Break down barriers. Do what Jesus did. Follow His example.

Tone is important. Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself with humility. The more humble and honest the we are, the better.

Take individual responsibility. Do not shift the blame solely to someone else. Take responsibility for your own actions.

Thank-you, Jim, for sharing with us today!

How about you? How have you confronted difficult areas like this in your life?