Last year was interesting one for me. I both ascended to some of the highest heights, and hit some of the lowest lows. After having God, at Bootcamp, show up so amazingly, I (like Elijah after Carmel) bottomed out, turned to man for something I could only get from Him.
At the age of 43, I’m only just now confronting some of the ugliest parts of me.
Yet I can be:
Thing is, I’m more often the former three at home, and the latter online. There is a disconnect, a dividing line know as “hypocrisy,” all too frequently crossed.
In the last couple of years, I’ve been pursuing success here in the
blogging arena, and all the while mostly flailing around in life. I keep looking to things, people, stuff for significance. Which is really an Adam and Eve: looking for validation apart from God. Which, to be perfectly honest, is idolatry.
But God, Who must really love me, keeps pulling down my idols, smashing all my golden cows, and grinding them into a fine powder. As He should. There can be no other before Him.
I would venture so far as to say that the root of all sin is this desire we inherited from our famous forebears to achieve something, to be something, to be significant apart from God.
In my pursuit of success, I gave up something I never should have: my integrity. Which lead me to places where I should not have gone (at least in my heart and mind). The irony is that this is no way to succeed.
That’s why I’m laying down my dream, and exchanging it for the one God
has for me. If I’m to be successful in anyway, I want it to be on His terms (not mine), in His way, and in His time. I only have a finite amount of time/energy/resources to invest. And I don’t want my family on the wrong side of “my dream.”
I want it to be our dream, and I want us to invest together.
Which leads me to my One Word for 2013: integrity. I want to be the same in public, and in private. Consistent in my actions, my life laid bare before those close to me. This word was not chosen by me, but rather (I believe) for me.
I am telling you, my faithful, constant readers for the sake of accountability. I’ve laid my heart bare in the hopes that it encourages you to do the same (not necessarily here, in this forum, but in your life–with those closest to you). The point of looking back is to learn, and by learning not to be ensnared again in the same way. That is the way of wisdom.
Which goes hand-in-glove with integrity.
Thank-you for reading, and make a great 2013!