My Greatest Fear/My Greatest Desire

randomlychad  —  September 10, 2012 — 4 Comments


Yes, I know–this is just a blog. There are millions of them out there–all begging for attention. There are many better, some worse, and many better-trafficked.

To me, it’s more than a blog– it represents an ideal, a dream. Hearing the stories yesterday of how Jesus used my words, that’s what makes me come alive. That is what I was made for.

But dreams don’t pay bills. I’m afraid all I’ll ever have is a bite of this succulent fruit, never to step foot into the orchard. Don’t get me wrong–I have a good job, earn sufficient wages to cover the basics. Insofar as I can tell, it’s not changing lives.

I feel like I was made for me. When I hear of hearts being challenged, finding freedom, my own heart leaps within me, cries “Yes!”

Again, none of which pays the bills. Part of me wants to say “That’s okay–you’re better off than so many.” And this is true.

I just want my work to count for something, have meaning. There’s a suffocating sameness to life lived in the confines of a cubicle. The accuser of the brethren lies to me, says it will never get better…

On the other hand, while I’m there, I don’t want to miss God. He’s got me there for a reason. And there’s a certain security in knowing that I don’t have to write for money, that my family isn’t dependent upon my creativity for its bread.

I can write for love, for passion, out of conviction. My dream is being financed by my day job.

But it’s a hard place to be when one can see the more, see that carrot dangling there, just out of mouth’s reach. Just last night–bearing in my mind I said nothing–as we watched the opening scenes of that old Chevy Chase movie, Funny Farm, my wife said, “I wish that could be us, that we could move to the country, where you could write your book.”

Ah, desire! So cruelly awakened!

I wish

But the pressures of age, obligation, and health crowd in, too–their voices demanding to be heard. Let’s not forget fear. Fear is there, too, wondering:

What if you fail? What then? What if you succeed? Could you do it again? I look at the creative life, and see a life that requires much more faith and confidence than I currently have.

“Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief.” Lord, help me to wait and trust.


How about you? Do you have a dream? Something that makes you come alive? Look down deep into your heart–past the clutter and the noise–what do you see? What were you made for?




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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers.Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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