Archives For Satire

Nota bene: if you’re not fond of gallows humor, I respectfully request that you simply stop reading now. Seriously. Today’s post is not for you. Please visit instead the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

Also, please understand that I’m in no way making light of the tragic death of Travis Alexander. He didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Jodi Arias committed an atrocious, evil act.

Without further ado:

You are perhaps familiar with the novel, and subsequent film, The Jane Austen Book Club. It is, as its title suggests, a work about a book club discussing the works of the late, great Jane Austen. She of the acerbic wit and adroit social commentary.

In a sense, I believe that Jodi Arias is similarly possessed of a certain genius.
A dark gift, if you will.

Else, why would she, on the stand, as she plead for her life, state that one of her great reasons for living is to teach reading in prison?

Mull that over for just a second. Jodi Arias wants to teach other inmates how to read. And lead a book club.

Exclusive to RandomlyChad, is the following proposed reading list (from the soon to be formed Jodi Arias Prison Book Club):

1. No One Gets Out Alive.

2. Helter Skelter.

3. The Silence of the Lambs.

4. The Shining. (“Here’s Jodi!”)

5. The Stranger Beside Me.

6. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. (because we’ve got to have some Austen, folks).

That’s just the first six months, folks. Other possible books include the entire Ann Rule library, Papillion, and Martha Stewart Living.

————–

Hopefully, my point is clear; namely, just how ironic is that Arias feels, at this point, that she’s qualified to lead anything? To my mind, it’s entirely in keeping with the character she’s displayed throughout the entire trial. The hubris, the arrogance, boggles the mind.

I’ll leave you with one last thought:

As she was relating the reasons why she thought she would be allowed to live, Jodi indicated that she would never have children. She was lamenting that fact.

But I say thank God for that!

What do you say? How ironic is that she thinks she should be leading anything?

image

The news has recently broken that Nicolas Cage is rebooting the Left Behind film franchise. Yes, it’s a real thing. Christian production company Cloud Ten is behind it. Apparently, the the film is budgeted at only $15 million. Yes, I know–it’s a staggering sum for us mere mortals, but in Hollyweird that’s peanuts. Consider for instance M. Night Shyamalan’s almost-universally panned The Happening. That apocalyptic film had a budget of $57 million.

I heard that sharp intake of breath, suddenly silenced. That’s right, folks: that was the best they could do with $57. Million. Dollars!

I don’t know about you, but a budget of just $15 million doesn’t give me much hope for a film which ostensibly aspires to capitalize on the “adventurous aspects” of the Left Behind franchise. I mean, come on, how much ILM time can be bought for $15 million? I’d guess not a whole lot.

So there must be something else going on, right?

Why this, why now, why Nicolas Cage?

Is he knowing something we don’t? Are there signs pointing to something perhaps a little more sinister?

I think there are.

Let me explain:

Here’s an actor who went from winning an Academy Award for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas to starring in The Rock. And from thence to Con Air.

In fact for every Leaving, and Adaptation, there were bizarro career choices like the Wicker Man, and

Ghost Rider.

And that’s an interesting one; in it, Cage plays Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcycle rider. A rider who makes a deal with the devil to save his father’s life. The deal is made, and the devil being a liar, Blaze’s dad dies anyway.

However, in addition to being a liar, the devil has an elephantine memory, and calls Johnny’s payment due–turning him into the supernatural enforcer, Ghost Rider.
image

And that right there, folks, is the key to unlocking the mystery of the Left Behind remake: that deal made on celluloid for all to see.

Let me ask you: who is the antagonist of the Left Behind series? Nikolai Carpathia.

Whose name does that sound like? Nicolas Cage.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, they share the same name! (A cursory Google search has shown that “Carpathia,” when translated from Romanian, means “Coppola,” which is Cage’s real last name).

Nicolas Cage = Nikolai Carpathia.

Thus I conclude that Nicolas Cage is in fact the antichrist. There’s no other explanation for these (awful) movies being remade.

The payment on his career is coming due, and that payment is undisputedly Left Behind.

What do you think?

image

In my mind I see it there at Barnes & Noble: 50 Shades of Grace: A Kama Sutra for Evangelicals. Now of course it’s not in the sexuality section, no, being published by Zondervan, it’s in “Christian Living.” Despite this, it’s flying off the shelves.

Because we all want to know: how did folks in the Bible , ahem, “do it?”

Despite containing such maxims (not the shrink-wrapped magazine) as “biblical sex is not a spectator sport,” (surely a warning against the dangers of pornography) it nevertheless has full-color illustrations in the style of the late Thomas Kinkade. All are of course gorgeously lit.

Because of this, LifeWay won’t carry it.

Among its other truths, is “biblical sex is mutually submissive (and not in a BDSM sense).” To support this assertion, the authors–a husband and wife team–turn to a passage in First Corinthians: “the wife’s body is not her own, but her husband’s; likewise, the husband’s body is not his own, but the wife’s.”

They further assert this is so by invoking the famous “Love Chapter” (First Corinthians 13), where it says “love does not seek its own.” Meaning, I surmise, that where biblical sex is concerned, there is no room for compulsion.

Because, apparently, love desires to give, and not take.

Now the late C.S. Lewis once wrote that “sex requires a kind of erotic submission” from the wife. I wonder however if he wrote this while yet firmly ensconced in bachelordom, or after marrying Helen Gresham? I strongly suspect the former, because as a married man myself, I know firsthand the sacrifices required in marriage, and how the bed–like no other–requires the giving up of one’s rights.

Because a thing compelled is no longer a gift, but something coerced.

And nothing could be further from the type of love that emanates from God: gift love. This kind of loves delights in the beloved, and thus desires to give. That is what I believe the authors mean when they say that “biblical sex is mutually submissive (not in a BDSM kind of way),” i.e., that a man and wife in love will try–in their frail, failing human ways–to outgive––to outlove––one another.

But that, as the Bible also says, is a mystery.

Are you planning on reading 50 Shades of Grace?

Update: March, 2013. Apparently 50 Shades of Grace is a thing: https://twitter.com/KeatonHughes/status/298586227324620800/photo/1

20120228-111813.jpg

I go to a great church. It’s all about connecting people with God through Jesus. It’s awesome. Our mission statement is “Win. Train. Send.”

Win believers to Jesus Christ.
Train believers to become to disciples.
Send disciples out into the highways and byways.

Like I said, it’s great.
Continue Reading…

20120227-102207.jpg

There are things that should never happen at church. I’m not talking
about the pastor’s wife delivering the Sunday sermon because he took ill
during the middle of the night. What I mean are those things that should never happen, but altogether too frequently do.

Such as:

1. Chair dusting. Or its name in Christian circles: “pew pooting.” This usually happens after the greeting time, when you’re just starting to get
comfortable again, and someone who’s (very) late needs a seat. As you make way for them, you notice that particular aroma as Johnny-come-lately pips and squeaks his way to his seat. Pew pooting. Happens every week. (And I’ve done it. Sorry).
Continue Reading…