Archives For Satire


You’ve heard of the lifting up of holy hands, or lifting up a brother (or sister) before the Lord? The former is demonstration of worship and/or praise; the latter, a metaphor for intercessory prayer.

You’ve maybe heard of these, but have you heard of praying someone in the back? Or perhaps the prayer ambush?

No?

Well, it’s kinda like this:

Imagine you’re out somewhere, and run into your friend. You exchange greetings, and your friend introduces you to their friend–a real prayer wolf. They ask if they can pray for you. Thinking that it’s going to be quick prayer lifted reverently to the Lord (you are, after all, in a public place), you acquiesce. 

That isn’t what happens.

They flank you like guards walking a condemned prisoner down the green mile to the execution chamber. And then they start ululating in a language which can only be described as early tribal. Right there, in public, in loud voices (because God, apparently, is deaf) they begin to declaim your deliverance from:

Demons

Health problems 

Marital woes

Halitosis 

Indigestion

Slow motility

Depression (you’re not down yet, but after this you will be)

Like the violet, you want nothing more than to shrink away out of view. People are beginning to look. You’re saying, “Stop! Stop!”

“In Jesus Name!! Stop!!” you yell at the top of your lungs.

“Amen, amen!” is what you hear in reply. “That’s right! You tell that bad old devil to stop.” Your eyes roll so hard into the back of your head you’re afraid they’ll stick there. You throw your hands up in utter disgust and frustration…

“Yes!!! Lift up those holy hands to the Lord!” Your hands clench involuntarily into fists, and before you know what you’re doing you lay hands on those dedicated prayer wolves with a couple of choice roundhouses and upper cuts.

“Now how do y’all feel about being slain in the spirit?” Like Ananias and Sapphira they ain’t getting up.

You walk off, perhaps feeling lighter than you have in quite some time.

Prayer, apparently, is good for the soul. Especially when you pray like Stands With A Fist.

TLC, once the “Learning Channel,” is now a bastion of bizarre reality shows: My Strange Addiction, Naked and Afraid, (Animal/Alligator/Etc) Hoarders, etc.

How did they get there? What lead them to this place? Let’s take a walk down memory lane and see some of the titles which were considered, but later rejected, for some of their biggest hits:

Little People, Big Ego (Am I right?) But because that likely wouldn’t play in Poughkeepsie, they went with the more accessible (but banal) Little People, Big World. You be the judge.

Infinity Kids and Counting (Because they just keep coming). They of course settled on X Kids and Counting. And, yes, she delivered every one.

Jon and Kate Plus Hate (With a side of crazy). They settled on the more factual, but less zingy, Jon and Kate Plus E8ight. Somehow, yes, they thought the viewing audience needed the digit in addition to the word to know just how many kids we’re talking about here. Go figure.

My One Wife and Four Concubines (‘Cause he’s only married to the first one. D’oh). American test audiences just weren’t quite sure what a “concubine” was–so they went with My Five Wives. They’re polygamist and proud. And also crazy. Because, um, hello? PMS x 5? Based upon anecdote and experience, it seems that when ladies spend extended periods of time together their cycles get synchronized. Or in Brady Williams’s case, the one week every month where he just wants to die. You do the math.

What rejected TLC show titles have you heard of? Share below.

Revealed!

Why Jon Acuff really left the Dave Ramsey organization:

After three years of looking for the Lampo, he never found his way to Narnia.

After three years on staff, he didn’t get the diamond-encrusted gold grille he was promised. Instead, Dave gave it to an Entre Leadership graduate in New Mexico, Tuco Salamanca.

The year’s supply of Gordo’s Queso he was promised in his contract turned out to be only a week’s worth of Tostitos Bean Dip. (Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But Jenny wasn’t too fond of it).

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Jon couldn’t tolerate the stunning brilliance anymore. The brilliant shine refracting off of Dave’s dome, that is! It hurt Jon’s sensitive eyes. Every time they met, he had to shade them.

And the straw that broke the camel’s back? In their all staff meeting last Friday, right in front of everybody, Dave mistook Jon’s queso for his favorite “Dome Polish,” slathering a great gob of it on his head with his money-dirty fingers.

That was Jon’s lunch!

Or it could be, after working there for three years, and despite doing his best to cover his tracks, Dave got wind of the fact that Jon (unbeknownst to anyone at Lampo) sold a story idea to CBS Television–Under the Dome.

Dave was mad they got Dean Norris to play him.

'Holy Smokes, it's Jon Acuff!' photo (c) 2011, Collin Harvey - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
Jon at a convention, talking with his peeps about Dome

—————-

The truth is, as curious as we all are, it’s none of our business why Jon left the employ of Dave Ramsey. He’ll likely talk about it when he’s ready, or when the NDA expires. But until then, I have a hunch it’s to Start up the European division of Gordo’s Dips. I mean the market is wide open. Plus, bechamel is blasé, France! So there. Cheese dip is where it’s at.

In keeping with my leitmotif, random, I bring you today’s post. You have Larry Carter to blame thank for it. I read his post when it hit my inbox last night, and it inspired me! (Go read Larry’s fine blog, and leave a comment or two).

'You might be a redneck if your bicycle has a gun rack' photo (c) 2008, Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

If you think Harry Potter is the devil, you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call the NIV the “Not Included Version,” you might be a fundamentalist. (TNIV=”Today’s Not Included Version”).

If your church is like the Blues Brothers, and has both kinds–Southern and Baptist–you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call your baptistry a “cement pond,” you might be a fundamentalist who watches too much Beverly Hillbillies.

If you decry the theology of the foot-washing Freewill Baptists as being “too liberal,” you might be a Fundamentalist who hates cleanliness. But you just know there’s something wrong about serving communion immediately following a foot washing.

If your choice of Bible is like Highlander (“There can be only one”), the KJV, you might be a Fundamentalist. And just like that fine movie, no worthy sequels to the KJV have ever been produced, either.

If you believe that the unseen movers and shakers behind Hollywood, Scientology, chemtrails, the Obama presidency, and Ke$ha’s inexplicable success go by the name “Illuminati,” you might be a Fundamentalist.

Remember: “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” (That’s from the KJV, yo). 😉 Thanks for reading!

What about you? Might you be a Fundamentalist? Drop it like it’s hot in the comments below:

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You might know the name, Rob Bell; if not, he’s the controversial former pastor of Mars Hill Church in Michigan. He’s known as leading figure in the Emergent Church (though he personally rejects that label).

Rob’s written some books. You may have heard of them. You may even have read some of them.

What you didn’t know it’s that they were all almost published under vastly different titles.

1) Velvet Bell-Vis: Refilling My Bank Account

2) Sex Rob: I Have Progeny, and So Should You

3) Drops Like Starburst: Nom Nom Delicious Candy

4) Rob Wins. Again.

5) What Rob Talks About When Rob Talks About Rob

There you have it, folks: the original, true, and correct titles of Rob Bell’s bestselling books. You heard it here first.

Your turn. What funny titles can you come up with for some famous Christian book? Best one wins a copy of Leanne Shirtliffe’s hilarious book, Don’t Lick the Minivan.

Have at it!