Recently, someone who was widely regarded as a light in my community died. As they were close to my age, this was shocking–a cold dose of mortality. Doubly so, because this was such a bright, warm, kind, intelligent, sensitive soul.
They brought a lot of hope to a great many souls in the dark times following 9/11.
I’not naive, I know the score: the human race has a 100% mortality rate. All die.
What I’m wrestling with is how, when they brought so much life to so many, how they had none held in their heart for themselves.
Shocking would have been a bad car accident, or a previously undisclosed condition, but suicide?
That’s right–this kind soul, a light to so many, had no light left for themself, saw no other way out. I’m having such a hard time reconciling the raw, jangling, exposed-nerve reality of it with what we knew of them.
How could they leave their children behind?
It does not compute.
It seems the light that shone twice as bright burnt twice as fast. And I’m left wondering: were there signs I missed, anything I could have done? How did they go on, shining as they did, while dying on the inside?
How did they harbor such kindness for the community, but in the end had none for themselves?
It’s an enigma. One that raises the question of just how well we know anyone? And just how well are we ourselves known?
Depression is a soul-sucking monster; one that will kill you on the inside long before you die. If you feel, as they did, alone: that is a lie. One of the worst perpetrated upon the human race.
You are not alone, and I strongly urge you to confide in a trusted someone before you take that step that can’t be untaken. Please get help.
Please get help now.
Have you ever been depressed, or contemplated suicide?