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If you’re experiencing any of the following, you might be an aging male. I’m sorry.

1) In addition to having a mind of their own, your eyebrows appear to be the only part of your body rich in HGH (human growth hormone).

2) The foliage in your ears is denser than that of the Amazon rain forest.

3) In the choice between sleep and sex, you choose sleep every time.

4a) Nocturnal emissions no longer refers to, well, you know, but rather the number of times you have to get up to empty your bladder.

4b) It also refers to the amount of noxious gas emanating from your supine form during the night hours.

5) You have two sets of glutes; one where it belongs, in the seat of wisdom. And the other, well, it’s usually referred to as a “beer belly.” Even though you, at your doctor’s behest, have long since given up beer.

What signs and symptoms of aging have you observed in yourself?

In the history of advertising, there are successful slogans (“Here’s to the crazy ones!), and not so successful ones:

This, from Mucinex:

“Hey, you, Phlegmwad! Loosen up!”

As you can imagine, this didn’t play well in Peoria (or anywhere for that matter).

This one, from Metamucil:

“We’ve got the fiber if you’ve got the chyme.”

Despite it being altogether alimentary no one knows just what the heck “chyme” is.

The makers of Pop Rocks actually almost came to market with a laxative; their slogan? “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.” They were of course promptly sued by Alka-Seltzer, who were granted an injunction, and all rights to “Poop Rocks.”

In an attempt to broaden its appeal to the hip-hop crowd, Ex-Lax launched its “Drop it like it’s hot” campaign. As you can imagine, this didn’t really come out all right in the end.

Viagra nearly came to market with “Are your boys feeling blue? Don’t take the red pill–pop the blue one, it’s not hard at all.” This wasn’t quite the message they were intending to convey.

How about? What failed slogans have you seen?

You know that feeling, right? Of reading a book, how it gets down into the very marrow of your bones, becomes a part of your soul? You don’t want it to end, but rather go on and on.

Or at least have the decency to have a sequel.

What are follows is a list of books that, IMHO, are desperately in need of sequels.

Blue Like Jazz came out, what? Thirteen years ago. We got a quasi-sequel in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. But not really. Miller needs to at least update it, bringing it into the disco age:

BLJ2: Electric Bluegaloo It will be the story of how young Don not only continued to come to terms with God, but how he embraced the interpretive dancer locked within his soul. While living with Eskimos.

‘Salem’s Lot is easily one of the preeminent vampire novels of the last forty years. And yet no sequel has been forthcoming from the pen of the King. He’s given us other nasties, other creepy-crawlies. But no vampires! What he needs to do is pen the tale of defrocked priest on the run, Donald Callahan, set it in modern Detroit, and adapt it as a feature film starring Liam Neeson. It would be called Callahan: Taken With Vampires.

Surely you know of C.S. Lewis adult novels, Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength, and Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold, right? I’m not here concerning myself with the first three, as they’re already a trilogy. But that last one? It screams sequel. The story concerns what happened that fateful night when Cupid and Psyche ate too much choice food, and what thereafter ensued. It will be titled Til We Have Feces: When Your Pants Explode.

I’m told that the Farrelly brothers, architects of Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary, Kingpin, and the forthcoming Dumb and Dumber To have optioned the rights to Steinbeck’s classic East of Eden. It will be titled Easter of Eden, and will star Woody Harrelson as Nimrod of Nod, champion flatulator. Nimrod pits his mighty gaseous powers against Chinese Lee (played by Jackie Chan).

A Prayer for Owen Meany. What a serious, wonderful, funny, sad, heartbreaking book! One of Irving’s most beloved. Yet he has yet to pen a sequel. What he needs to do is a mashup story: Between Here and There: the tale of how a raspy-throsted, armless, midget zombie chases the ghost of T.S. Garp in the afterlife. While wearing drag.

That’s all I’ve got.

What books do you think need sequels? Share in the comments.

Falls In A Pool

randomlychad  —  May 30, 2013 — 4 Comments

You’ve perhaps heard of Stands With a Fist, or Dances With Wolves? Characters played by Mary McDonell, and Kevin Costner, respectively.

Well, my Indian name is Falls In a Pool.

Truthfully, I didn’t so much fall as I dove, but I like the way “Falls In a Pool” just tickles my ears. Say it with me: “Falls In a Pool.”

I guess I must have harbored some latent anger against that poor pool, because it is the first time I’ve so viciously, savagely attacked…

The bottom of one…

With my face.

You’ll be happy to know that the pool is no worse for the wear, but I look like:

image

I’m fairly certain the pool hasn’t had either a lingering headache, or recurrent bloody noses, since the incident.

I’m just glad it isn’t pressing charges.

(For the record, I closed my eyes underwater).

Have you ever done anything stupid in a pool?

Here is a list of random bullet(point)s for your Friday:

•Recently, in trying to explain to my son what an estate sale was–how surviving family members try sell off a departed loved one’s assets, he completely misunderstood that last word there. (Perhaps they’re working those off trying to move the merch? Or maybe I need to reassess these dialogues?)

Alton Brown and I had a bit of a playful spat on Twitter this past Wednesday. I asked him to help me prank Kevin Haggerty. He participated alright–just not as I’d hoped. I guess I’d call it a backhanded compliment. Maybe he was mad that I called him
“Mr. Brown?” Regardless, by now, A.B. has surely forgotten about me. It’s ok, I still love you, man! (You, too, Kevin). Now bring back Good Eats!

•Hands down the best thing I saw on the Internet this week was Amanda Bast’s ‘Mystery Project. It’s video with contributions from throughout the blogosphere that she cleverly edited together in celebration of her boyfriend, Joseph’s, birthday. Why Ricky “Mr.” Anderson was asked to participate, and I was not, is still a mystery to me. (It’s probably because he’s younger, smarter, and better looking! Darnit!)

•For more “Internet Awesome,” look over to the right, and down just bit, at my blogroll. Like eggrolls, but awesomer, and like for your mind, and stuff. (Speaking of awesome, Knox McCoy, I’m still waiting for my invite. What gives?) 😉

•I leave you with this picture Andi Cumbo posted on Facebook:

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Peace out, peeps! Make a great weekend!