Today’s hilarious guest post comes from my friend, Larry Carter. You know–John (“of Mars”) Carter’s funny brother. <--Don't actually know if he has a brother named John. Anyway, Larry is loved by multitudes, is a husband, and father, and claims this is the most ridiculous thing he's ever written.
Take it away, Larry:
I have a lot of conversations with myself. A lot of them end with bacon. For example:
“T.G.I.F.” <--This is either a restaurant, or it:
“Sounds like the intro to a Katy Perry song.”
[What? You mean like "E.T.," (pronounced "et") right? "Heart attack victim, fill me with some bacon"]
You listen to Katy Perry? I thought you were a Christian?
Uh, I did when she was Katy Hudson.
“I wonder how Katy Perry made the transition from Katy Hudson, Christian singer, and morphed into Katy Perry, girl-kissing, pop-singing wife of Russell Brand?”
[My guess? Not enough fatty, protein-rich bacon in her diet]
Isn't that what happened to Amy Grant?
No, she married Vince Gil--not Russell Brand.
“No, I mean Amy Grant sang Christian music and crossed over to pop.”
Oh, yeah, "Baby, Baby," right?
“Yeah, but she had that song with Peter Cetera.”
“All I Need To Know.”
No, that was Aaron Nevill and Linda Ronstadt. Stay on task with me, please. Amy and Peter had "Next Time I Fall In Love." [Ed. note: Amy did sing "House of Love" with Vince Gill--while still married to Gary. We know how that turned out. Also, the next time I fall in love, it will be with bacon!]
Peter Cetera was in Chicago, right? 25 or 6 to 4!!!!
“I thought Richard Gere was in Chicago.”
That was a musical, not the pop group.
“Richard Gere was also in "Pretty Woman" with Julia Roberts.”
I thought he was in "An Officer and A Gentleman" with Debra Winger?
He was, but you're getting off task again. Stick with me. He was in "Pretty Woman" with Julia Roberts.
Julia Roberts was also in "Mystic Pizza," right?
"Yeah, but not what I'm looking for---though I'll bet her pizzas had bacon on them."
Ok, Alex, give me another Julia Roberts movie, please, for 1000.
Erin Brockovich? [Best line in that film? "They're called boobs, Ed."] Ocean's Eleven?
No. Try again.
“Oh yeah. Julia Roberts was in "Flatliners" with Kiefer Sutherland.”
Yes!!! But guess who else was in that movie?
No!!! Not him. Really?
Yes, no denying it.
“Kevin Bacon makes me think of bacon.” [Which makes me think of the recently remade "Footloose. Did Kevin get cameo? No? If it tanks at the box office, we know why: Decided lack of Bacon]
“Since it’s Friday, I’ll stop at T.G.I Friday's on the way home from work to get a BLT. Hope Jan doesn't notice I'm not hungry."
“Sounds like a plan.”
And that, my friends, is how all roads lead to bacon. And bacon makes me happy.
How many steps does it take you to get to bacon?
Larry Carter lives in “Dunn Holler,” somewhere outside of Knoxville, TN. He blogs most days at Deuceology, and can be followed on Twitter @LarryTheDeuce. Roll tide, Larry, roll tide! 😉