Archives For satire

You know that feeling, right? Of reading a book, how it gets down into the very marrow of your bones, becomes a part of your soul? You don’t want it to end, but rather go on and on.

Or at least have the decency to have a sequel.

What are follows is a list of books that, IMHO, are desperately in need of sequels.

Blue Like Jazz came out, what? Thirteen years ago. We got a quasi-sequel in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. But not really. Miller needs to at least update it, bringing it into the disco age:

BLJ2: Electric Bluegaloo It will be the story of how young Don not only continued to come to terms with God, but how he embraced the interpretive dancer locked within his soul. While living with Eskimos.

‘Salem’s Lot is easily one of the preeminent vampire novels of the last forty years. And yet no sequel has been forthcoming from the pen of the King. He’s given us other nasties, other creepy-crawlies. But no vampires! What he needs to do is pen the tale of defrocked priest on the run, Donald Callahan, set it in modern Detroit, and adapt it as a feature film starring Liam Neeson. It would be called Callahan: Taken With Vampires.

Surely you know of C.S. Lewis adult novels, Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength, and Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold, right? I’m not here concerning myself with the first three, as they’re already a trilogy. But that last one? It screams sequel. The story concerns what happened that fateful night when Cupid and Psyche ate too much choice food, and what thereafter ensued. It will be titled Til We Have Feces: When Your Pants Explode.

I’m told that the Farrelly brothers, architects of Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary, Kingpin, and the forthcoming Dumb and Dumber To have optioned the rights to Steinbeck’s classic East of Eden. It will be titled Easter of Eden, and will star Woody Harrelson as Nimrod of Nod, champion flatulator. Nimrod pits his mighty gaseous powers against Chinese Lee (played by Jackie Chan).

A Prayer for Owen Meany. What a serious, wonderful, funny, sad, heartbreaking book! One of Irving’s most beloved. Yet he has yet to pen a sequel. What he needs to do is a mashup story: Between Here and There: the tale of how a raspy-throsted, armless, midget zombie chases the ghost of T.S. Garp in the afterlife. While wearing drag.

That’s all I’ve got.

What books do you think need sequels? Share in the comments.

TLC, once the “Learning Channel,” is now a bastion of bizarre reality shows: My Strange Addiction, Naked and Afraid, (Animal/Alligator/Etc) Hoarders, etc.

How did they get there? What lead them to this place? Let’s take a walk down memory lane and see some of the titles which were considered, but later rejected, for some of their biggest hits:

Little People, Big Ego (Am I right?) But because that likely wouldn’t play in Poughkeepsie, they went with the more accessible (but banal) Little People, Big World. You be the judge.

Infinity Kids and Counting (Because they just keep coming). They of course settled on X Kids and Counting. And, yes, she delivered every one.

Jon and Kate Plus Hate (With a side of crazy). They settled on the more factual, but less zingy, Jon and Kate Plus E8ight. Somehow, yes, they thought the viewing audience needed the digit in addition to the word to know just how many kids we’re talking about here. Go figure.

My One Wife and Four Concubines (‘Cause he’s only married to the first one. D’oh). American test audiences just weren’t quite sure what a “concubine” was–so they went with My Five Wives. They’re polygamist and proud. And also crazy. Because, um, hello? PMS x 5? Based upon anecdote and experience, it seems that when ladies spend extended periods of time together their cycles get synchronized. Or in Brady Williams’s case, the one week every month where he just wants to die. You do the math.

What rejected TLC show titles have you heard of? Share below.

Revealed!

Why Jon Acuff really left the Dave Ramsey organization:

After three years of looking for the Lampo, he never found his way to Narnia.

After three years on staff, he didn’t get the diamond-encrusted gold grille he was promised. Instead, Dave gave it to an Entre Leadership graduate in New Mexico, Tuco Salamanca.

The year’s supply of Gordo’s Queso he was promised in his contract turned out to be only a week’s worth of Tostitos Bean Dip. (Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But Jenny wasn’t too fond of it).

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Jon couldn’t tolerate the stunning brilliance anymore. The brilliant shine refracting off of Dave’s dome, that is! It hurt Jon’s sensitive eyes. Every time they met, he had to shade them.

And the straw that broke the camel’s back? In their all staff meeting last Friday, right in front of everybody, Dave mistook Jon’s queso for his favorite “Dome Polish,” slathering a great gob of it on his head with his money-dirty fingers.

That was Jon’s lunch!

Or it could be, after working there for three years, and despite doing his best to cover his tracks, Dave got wind of the fact that Jon (unbeknownst to anyone at Lampo) sold a story idea to CBS Television–Under the Dome.

Dave was mad they got Dean Norris to play him.

'Holy Smokes, it's Jon Acuff!' photo (c) 2011, Collin Harvey - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
Jon at a convention, talking with his peeps about Dome

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The truth is, as curious as we all are, it’s none of our business why Jon left the employ of Dave Ramsey. He’ll likely talk about it when he’s ready, or when the NDA expires. But until then, I have a hunch it’s to Start up the European division of Gordo’s Dips. I mean the market is wide open. Plus, bechamel is blasé, France! So there. Cheese dip is where it’s at.

In keeping with my leitmotif, random, I bring you today’s post. You have Larry Carter to blame thank for it. I read his post when it hit my inbox last night, and it inspired me! (Go read Larry’s fine blog, and leave a comment or two).

'You might be a redneck if your bicycle has a gun rack' photo (c) 2008, Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

If you think Harry Potter is the devil, you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call the NIV the “Not Included Version,” you might be a fundamentalist. (TNIV=”Today’s Not Included Version”).

If your church is like the Blues Brothers, and has both kinds–Southern and Baptist–you might be a Fundamentalist.

If you call your baptistry a “cement pond,” you might be a fundamentalist who watches too much Beverly Hillbillies.

If you decry the theology of the foot-washing Freewill Baptists as being “too liberal,” you might be a Fundamentalist who hates cleanliness. But you just know there’s something wrong about serving communion immediately following a foot washing.

If your choice of Bible is like Highlander (“There can be only one”), the KJV, you might be a Fundamentalist. And just like that fine movie, no worthy sequels to the KJV have ever been produced, either.

If you believe that the unseen movers and shakers behind Hollywood, Scientology, chemtrails, the Obama presidency, and Ke$ha’s inexplicable success go by the name “Illuminati,” you might be a Fundamentalist.

Remember: “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” (That’s from the KJV, yo). 😉 Thanks for reading!

What about you? Might you be a Fundamentalist? Drop it like it’s hot in the comments below:

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You might know the name, Rob Bell; if not, he’s the controversial former pastor of Mars Hill Church in Michigan. He’s known as leading figure in the Emergent Church (though he personally rejects that label).

Rob’s written some books. You may have heard of them. You may even have read some of them.

What you didn’t know it’s that they were all almost published under vastly different titles.

1) Velvet Bell-Vis: Refilling My Bank Account

2) Sex Rob: I Have Progeny, and So Should You

3) Drops Like Starburst: Nom Nom Delicious Candy

4) Rob Wins. Again.

5) What Rob Talks About When Rob Talks About Rob

There you have it, folks: the original, true, and correct titles of Rob Bell’s bestselling books. You heard it here first.

Your turn. What funny titles can you come up with for some famous Christian book? Best one wins a copy of Leanne Shirtliffe’s hilarious book, Don’t Lick the Minivan.

Have at it!