Up Late Again

randomlychad  —  June 12, 2013 — 24 Comments

I’m up late again. It’s almost one A.M. I looked at the work at before me, and my soul tied itself in knots. I’m scared. I know there’s something more in me than this blog. It feels like it wants to be born.

Like the gestating beasts (made famous in the Alien movies) known as “chest bursters,” it feels like something is clawing its way out of me.

And I’m afraid of it.

It’s taking the heart out of me on its way out of my body. So I try to lose myself in T.V., books, but it won’t be ignored. I can’t bargain with it, for, as Pascal said, “the heart has its reasons that reason knows not of.”

I’m in a time of transition now between what was and what will be. And as with most people, this change is scary.

You see: my friend, Jim Woods, has challenged me to take my best posts, the most helpful, most challenging ones, add in some new material, and generate an eBook.

And I’m afraid.

What if I fail?

What if I succeed?

What will the ramifications even be?

I don’t know.

So I sit at home, afraid to move, and just watch T.V.

I know I need to push past this resistance that’s lying to me.

God give me the grace, the strength, and all that I need to birth the dreams you have put into me.

Have you been there?




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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers.Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • troy mc laughlin

    Chad who cares if you fail. Failure is not trying. If you fall get up. You can do this. I’m cheering you on. Set some deadlines, tell others your going to do it and do it. Head up and pen down bro.

    • Thanks, Troy! Appreciate the shot in the arm.

  • Fear is sitting there looking over our shoulder, whispering its sweet nothing’s into our ears, trying to keep us laying there comfortably beside it. We nee to roll over and punch fear in the face, get up and go to work. We may fail, but most likely the worst thing that will happen is that we will fail forward.

    • Larry, I like that, the idea of “failing forwards.” Thanks for the encouragement.

  • samcarter44

    I’m cheering you on too. Maybe we can encourage each other because I’m working through some of the same things.

    • Thanks for the vote of confidence. We really are none of us alone in this.

  • Chad, this fear is a good thing. It means you really care--and obviously you do! It will be GREAT. Remember that I have your back and so does the “Phoenix posse” too.

    • Thanks, Jim, you instigator! 😉

  • Michelle Woodman

    Chad, it’s finally starting to penetrate my thick skull that the real failure is indeed not trying. I have so much I’ve held back on due to the question, “But what if I *fail*?” But I was reminded again yesterday that it would be worse to stay in my “safe zone” and not live the life God has for me either, blind corners and all.

    You have a real gift and a real heart to help others through your own stories and experiences. Kick fear in the face as you work on your eBook. You. Can. Do. It.

    • Thanks, Michelle! You’re right--it would be a travesty to not try.

  • Chad, let’s talk about this on Thursday maybe? I have many of the same issues, ranging from our common Jim problem to fear.

    • Sounds good, Chris. That’s why I put this stuff out there--because I know I’m not alone in this.

  • hipmamamedia.com

    Chad: I echo so many of the sentiments left here already: you only fail if you don’t try, and the fact that you are bothered by your inertia means you do in fact give a rip (which is good!). You’ve already done the work, having written the posts, now you just need to do a little organizing to pull it all together. I am sure you have read the verse “Perfect love cast out fear,” reflecting that God’s perfect love for us gives us the security and courage to live out our lives using our gifts. No effort on our part to increase His Kingdom is a failure.

    • Amen! Well said! Thanks so much! “No effort to advance His kingdom is wasted.” <--I like that

  • I don’t buy into the “you only fail if you don’t try” mentality. Some things God doesn’t want us to try. That brings up the question, then: what is failure?

    Honestly, I don’t know, either.

    Here’s one part of my own “story,” though, that might help. In the early 1990’s I felt God leading me to start my own software business, targeted at the retail market mainly because I didn’t have the guts to “sell myself” as a consultant. In March of 1993, two months after my father died, I was laid off from what had been the perfect job for me, a job I had held for 7 years. I was the only one, though, who wasn’t worried, because I felt God had a plan, and I told the President and VP of the company that. (This was a small place of about 36 people, where both of these guys were also working “in the trenches” with the rest of us.) Between the inheritance from my father and the amount I had in the bank, I had over “60 large” in the bank.

    In 1996 I went to work at a pawn shop owned by another friend simply to try to make ends be on the same continent. During that time, through the business plan, I had met and married my wife (long story on its own there), but had spent all of what I had saved up.

    I thought I had failed.

    Then God showed me something. He didn’t call me to run a “successful” business that would prove the standard business model used by companies like Microsoft (whose business practices I still dislike) wasn’t necessary to be successful. He called me to work for myself for a time.

    Perhaps it would help if you thought of this idea not as publishing a successful book, but as simply publishing a book.

    Let me also suggest running this by Jonathan Brink of Civitas Press. He’s the one who published Alise Wright’s Not Alone. If that doesn’t pan out, self-publishing through CreateSpace is reasonably simple. Heck, I did it. SmashWords is a good eBook publisher, or you could simply create a PDF and make it available on the site here. I suspect, though, you won’t get many bites from an eBook sold here, though, if it’s just going to be content already here.

    I’ve been known to be wrong, though. 🙂

    • Joe, I’m thinking about what you said. There are indeed things God doesn’t want us to try, but I’m not sure this is one. How do I know unless I try? Been holding back my whole life, failing to live up to my potential.

      Your suggestions are good ones--I’ll look into them. You may, or may not, know that I have an essay in Not Alone.

      • I do. If memory serves, that’s how we “met.” (I’ve since had to separate from Alise’s blog over a serious lack of moderation in the comments, but that’s another story.) That’s why I suggested Civitas in the first place.

        As far as trying goes, I think in this case you’re correct. I was simply saying that one can still fail if one tries, in opposition to the trite phrase. I then wanted to examine, though, what “failure” might mean.

        • Oh, for sure--trying is no guarantee of success. Point taken: failure can mean so very many things. I think for me, I’ve been paralyzed long enough. It’s time to shine.

  • troy mc laughlin

    Isn’t it amazing Chad when we tell others who we are that’s when we can be helped because others hear our cry. Yes we f this thing up a lot but mercy is such a wonderful thing. Keep sharing your story bro it needs to be heard. We all need rescue. Thank God He hears my cries.

    • Amen! Thanks, Troy! I’m so glad He hears--even the groanings for which there are no words.

      • troy mc laughlin

        Yes Amen

  • chad, i’m with chris. let’s get together for a drink or three tomorrow. oh, wait. we’re already doing that. #winning.

    good words, my friend. and yes, i’ve been there and kinda am there again. but be not afraid!

    • Thanks, Tim! I will press on.