The Nursing Mother’s Room

randomlychad  —  May 23, 2013 — 3 Comments

Just so you know: this post is coming to you entirely devoid of pictures. If you came here hoping for images of gratuitous nursing, what’s wrong with you?

This isn’t that kind of blog. (If that kind of blog exists, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know). Move along elsewhere.

'WE RENT BREAST PUMPS #breast #pump #milk #medical #equipment #rent #rental #dontbuy #usedisbetterthannew #sign #posted #glass #reflection #iphoneonly #instayum' photo (c) 2013, Slipp D. Thompson - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

(This is not a service our church offers).

Anyway…

The kids spent the the night at their grandparent’s house, so Lisa and I did that thing that adults do when their kids aren’t around:

We slept in.

Which means we were about twenty-five minutes late for the late service. We almost didn’t go at all. Seriously, we cycled through the parking lot, and Lisa said “We’re so late, I don’t want to be a disruption.”

Spiritual leader that I am, I said, “Okay. Me, either. Wanna go see the new Star Trek?”

Now, because of what she’s been going through healthwise, she wasn’t down with that. Big, bombastic action scenes and tense music are not her thing. Which I understand. So we circled back through the parking lot, parked, and went into the building.

Ready, of course, to join the sermon already in progress. Because we were so late and didn’t want to inconvenience endure the loving stink eyes of our brothers and sisters anyone, we decided to make use of:

The Nursing Mother’s Room.

First order of business: ascertain if there were, in fact, any nursing mothers there present.

There were not.

Feeling thus emboldened, we entered into that sanctum sanctorum, and I gotta tell you: it’s a great way to do church. The rocking chairs are way more comfortable than pews (dear church, rocking chairs please?), and the lighting, and volume, levels are fully adjustable.

I mean that’s the life, am I right? Pastor goes on a little long, turn that stuff down. 😉

It’s just too bad the door doesn’t lock… or the sound system play anything other than sermons. A little Barry white would have been nice.

Anyway, as it cool as it is, I could tell despite the dark tint, the window wasn’t true one-way glass. How do I know?

Because of the sign above the light switch (sorry I didn’t snap a picture–I was taking notes):

“Mothers, when nursing, please turn lights off.”

Because, you know, well… You know.

It was about this time that Lisa excused herself to get some air. When her condition flares up, she feels suffocated, claustrophobic, and needs to move around. Despite the definitely comfortable in-the-70s temperature, she felt hot.

Figuring she would be back, and that church was nearly over anyway, I stayed.

It was great! This is the way church was meant to be. Seriously, if you’re an introvert, I highly recommend it!

As I said, it was great.

Until it wasn’t.

What do mean?

I mean it was great, until an actual nursing mother came in to use the room!

And saw me sitting there a man alone in a rocking chair!

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I WAS IN HERE WITH MY WIFE, BUT SHE LEFT TO GET SOME AIR.” The lady said something in response, but honestly I didn’t catch a word of it.

I was too busy hightailing it out of there.

And that, brothers and sisters, is the tale of my sojourn in the Nursing Mother’s Room.

What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you, or that you’ve ever done, at church?

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Susan Heiser

    This actually happened to my son, but I had the immense pleasure of watching. When he was in junior high, he and a friend decided it would be oh so cool and probably impress the ladies to no end to sneak into the baptistry during the service. Our church is a tiny, old church and the baptistry fills by a simple faucet at the top controlled in the sanctuary. Our pastor, no fool he, obviously heard the shenanigans behind him as he preached, and without missing a beat right during the middle of the sermon strolled casually over to the faucet and turned it on full blast. It was like an ice cold shower raining down on them. You never saw two boys move faster — or turn redder. 🙂

    • That’s hilarious! And what a cool pastor. Mad props to him.

      • Susan Heiser

        Yep. He just performed the marriage of that same son this past Saturday, some 17 years later. 🙂