A Small Thing After All #faithartlife

randomlychad  —  March 27, 2013 — 9 Comments

I’m tired. I’m on vacation with my family, and it’s supposed to be restful, relaxing.

But I’m whipped.

My wife is sick. Has been for months.

She can’t control it. It’s not her fault. I don’t blame her.

But watching her suffer, and being powerless to do anything about it, is taking its toll.

I feel like collateral damage. I’m tired all the time. The other night, while shopping, I put a bottle of Jack in the cart.

I don’t drink whisky.

I want to sit a lot. I’m eating more. I’m not writing, and not sure I want to. My creative energy is tapped out.

Lisa wants relief, wants out of her skin. I want it for her. I want this to be over. I want God to step in, and take care of this. Heal her, and zap me with his Scepter of High Energy.©

But he doesn’t seem to be on my schedule–his ways being higher, and all. But he knows the plans he has, right?
I want to believe. I want to believe he’s going to work it all out. I just can’t see it from my vantage point. I guess my faith is a small thing after all. “Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief.”

It comes back to that, doesn’t it? Belief. (“Without faith it’s impossible to please God”). My senses are assaulted by one message, telling me to give up, give in. But my bones long to sing another song.

Yet my body is tired, but I’m afraid to sleep… So I stay up late, watch TV, and wake exhausted in the morning.

I wish I knew where to end this post, wrap it up with a nice, neat bow. But life isn’t neat, is it?

“In this world you shall have tribulation,” Jesus said. And maybe, just maybe, it’s my expectations that are out of whack? I want peace, safety, rest healing–and I want it now.

And like a child in the throes of a tantrum, I shake my fist at the sky… because it’s all I can do. I’m powerless to bring Lisa any relief. So I turn to the One Who has the power, and receive…

Silence in reply. If anything, I hear the sound of the doors of Heaven shutting, and being bolted. It’s my sheer impotence in the face of life’s current circumstances that colors my perception. But what is a husband to do when his wife wonders “Does God still love me?”

I try to reassure her, tell that God loves her, has a plan in this. That He weeps with her.

But do I believe it?

My strength is sapped, but I have nowhere else to go–none other has the words of life.

So I keep knocking on those locked doors, hoping Father will open them. I have nowhere else to go.

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Michelle Woodman

    Oh, Chad — I wish I had answers and solutions for you and Lisa. I really, really do.

    But I will keep praying, keep hoping, and may you both find the strength to keep seeking and asking and knocking until you get what you need.

    • Thanks so much, Michelle! Much appreciated.

  • chad, my friend, i will continue to pray for you and your family. i know how you feel. i’ve been creatively zapped it seems of late, as well. finding it easier to simply sit and not engage or push myself.

    again, i will continue to pray for you. gotta just continue to trust and have faith. what else is there, truly?

    • Thanks, Tim! You’re a gentlemen and a scholar. Be praying for your creative juices to flow.

      • thank you, my friend. times like these i suppose it’s best to remember that “i know the plans i have for you, says the lord. plans to prosper you and not to harm you…”

  • Dona Haggerty

    I want you to know that every time I see your blog post, I pray fervently for you and your wife. So you gotta keep writing 🙂 Nineteen years ago my family and I moved from CA (the land of milk & honey) to VA (manna and persecution). There were many times that my husband and I wanted to go back to “Egypt”. But … the door was closed and we persevered. Time and time again I would cry out to God … when will this end? I became pregnant with our 7th child and we lost everything we had. My hubby was working 3rd shift at Food Lion mopping floors … 47 years old, college graduate, owned his own business. During the day he worked at selling real estate. We were on food stamps and medicaid for our kids. I remember vividly one day driving down Lucas Creek Road in our old raggedy van. I was alone and crying, barely able to see to drive. I was pounding the steering wheel and yelling at God because our oldest son was wearing sneakers with holes in the bottom. I could not afford to buy underwear and socks for my kiddos.
    But you know what…I made it through. We have struggled for all of these years, but not like then. Our faith grew … it is humongous now 🙂 I hated it when people would know our circumstances but would do little to help. There must be sin in your life is what we were told! AND I really hated it when someone would say, “I know how you feel”. You do? Really?! When is the last time you skipped a meal so one of your kids could eat? One day someone said, “Oh, I know. We are in the same boat”. She had been saying this for a long time. Finally, I exploded. I said, “No, you are not in the same boat…you are not even in the same lake!” 🙂 I can tell you some of the things that helped us. Have music playing ALL THE TIME! K-love is what has ministered to my soul. Even though you don’t FEEL like it … Get.into.God’s.word. That literally saved my life. If you have the Bible on CD’s, play them. If you don’t have them, let me know, because I do…and you can have them. Go to church on Sunday … get into a small group to support you and pray for you. You won’t FEEL like it, but make yourself! I remember standing in church trying to sing, “Great is Your Faithfulness, Oh God, my Father” … the tears were streaming down my husbands and my face. Did we FEEL it at the time … Heck to the NO! But we knew it in our heart. Go on youtube and listen to some Francis Chan. God anointed and amazing. Don’t stop praying … even if it is just … PLEASE GOD! Be transparent and have people praying for you! Some will fall away … that’s okay. They did in our life too. Ask God if there is something that you are doing, or not doing that you need to correct. There is not ONE thing that you can do that will see you through this. It’s a lot of little things. I can guarantee you that God will see you through this. He will walk with you the whole time. It may not FEEL like it, but He is. Claim His promises. Trials prepare you for your greatest ministry! You will be surprised the people God will put in your life that you will minister to. (2 Corinthians 1: 3&4) God has something BIG for you and your wife. You know, Chad, it may take years … (that’s encouraging, isn’t it?) but you will come out on the other side of your Red Sea. In the meantime … WRITE … WRITE … WRITE ! Draw near to God and He will draw near to you! I promise. God promises! I am praying for you and your wife!!!

    • Mrs. Haggerty, thanks so much for your beautifully honest reply, and sound godly wisdom. I am blessed every time I read your comments. Thank-you so much for your prayers!

  • hipmamamedia.com

    Chad -- I was very moved by your post and your honesty. Even, though I don’t know the deets, I will be praying for you and your wife. It is so difficult to watch a loved one suffer and not be able to alleviate their pain. Fatigue has a way of increasing our doubt, so get the rest you need! And, yes, “Lord, only you have the words of life.” Lean into Jesus.

    • Thank-you very much. Most kind of you. Appreciate every prayer that’s going up on our behalf. Blessings to you.