Proof That Nicolas Cage Is The Antichrist

randomlychad  —  October 26, 2012 — 17 Comments

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The news has recently broken that Nicolas Cage is rebooting the Left Behind film franchise. Yes, it’s a real thing. Christian production company Cloud Ten is behind it. Apparently, the the film is budgeted at only $15 million. Yes, I know–it’s a staggering sum for us mere mortals, but in Hollyweird that’s peanuts. Consider for instance M. Night Shyamalan’s almost-universally panned The Happening. That apocalyptic film had a budget of $57 million.

I heard that sharp intake of breath, suddenly silenced. That’s right, folks: that was the best they could do with $57. Million. Dollars!

I don’t know about you, but a budget of just $15 million doesn’t give me much hope for a film which ostensibly aspires to capitalize on the “adventurous aspects” of the Left Behind franchise. I mean, come on, how much ILM time can be bought for $15 million? I’d guess not a whole lot.

So there must be something else going on, right?

Why this, why now, why Nicolas Cage?

Is he knowing something we don’t? Are there signs pointing to something perhaps a little more sinister?

I think there are.

Let me explain:

Here’s an actor who went from winning an Academy Award for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas to starring in The Rock. And from thence to Con Air.

In fact for every Leaving, and Adaptation, there were bizarro career choices like the Wicker Man, and

Ghost Rider.

And that’s an interesting one; in it, Cage plays Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcycle rider. A rider who makes a deal with the devil to save his father’s life. The deal is made, and the devil being a liar, Blaze’s dad dies anyway.

However, in addition to being a liar, the devil has an elephantine memory, and calls Johnny’s payment due–turning him into the supernatural enforcer, Ghost Rider.
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And that right there, folks, is the key to unlocking the mystery of the Left Behind remake: that deal made on celluloid for all to see.

Let me ask you: who is the antagonist of the Left Behind series? Nikolai Carpathia.

Whose name does that sound like? Nicolas Cage.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, they share the same name! (A cursory Google search has shown that “Carpathia,” when translated from Romanian, means “Coppola,” which is Cage’s real last name).

Nicolas Cage = Nikolai Carpathia.

Thus I conclude that Nicolas Cage is in fact the antichrist. There’s no other explanation for these (awful) movies being remade.

The payment on his career is coming due, and that payment is undisputedly Left Behind.

What do you think?

Comments

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Michelle Woodman

    Scarily plausible is what I think. And it explains *so* much! LOL!

    • Michelle, I thought so, too. And, yes--it does explain a lot. 😉

  • You make a compelling case -- I’ve long had suspicions about Nicholas Cage. Additionally, I would nominate Brittany Spears as “The False Prophet;” any of the Kardashians as the “Whore of Bablyon” and the entire Real Housewives franchise on Bravo as “The Beast.”

    • Too funny, Tor!

      But I’m torn: Brittany, or Gaga?

      😉

    • DonyaDunlap

      Totally cracking up over this. My co-worker must think I’ve lost it.

  • HAHA!! Well played, Chad.

    • Thanks, K.C.! I am but your humble servant.

      🙂

      • Nicolas Cage may be the most shameless actor ever. He’s done a stranger range of movies than Cuba Gooding Jr.

        • Shameless, or… Sinister? 😉

  • Can there be any doubt?

    • Larry, at this point, I really don’t think so.

  • Chad, I wonder how Nikolai is related to Vigo the Carpathian?? (That stupid painting/character scared me for years as a kid. Shiver….)

    What’s your favorite Cage movie? I really thought Lord of War was solid. And Gone in 60 Seconds is a favorite of mine. Cage has made some GREAT movies. And a TON of stinkers too.

    • Good question. Not sure. Just don’t cross the streams.

      Fave Cage movie… Hmm….

      Totally cheese ball, but I’ll say It Could Happen to You.

    • Name the movie? “Con Air” where Cage obviously did the least amount of dialect research in the history of film.