My Greatest Fear/My Greatest Desire

randomlychad  —  September 10, 2012 — 4 Comments

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Yes, I know–this is just a blog. There are millions of them out there–all begging for attention. There are many better, some worse, and many better-trafficked.

To me, it’s more than a blog– it represents an ideal, a dream. Hearing the stories yesterday of how Jesus used my words, that’s what makes me come alive. That is what I was made for.

But dreams don’t pay bills. I’m afraid all I’ll ever have is a bite of this succulent fruit, never to step foot into the orchard. Don’t get me wrong–I have a good job, earn sufficient wages to cover the basics. Insofar as I can tell, it’s not changing lives.

I feel like I was made for me. When I hear of hearts being challenged, finding freedom, my own heart leaps within me, cries “Yes!”

Again, none of which pays the bills. Part of me wants to say “That’s okay–you’re better off than so many.” And this is true.

I just want my work to count for something, have meaning. There’s a suffocating sameness to life lived in the confines of a cubicle. The accuser of the brethren lies to me, says it will never get better…

On the other hand, while I’m there, I don’t want to miss God. He’s got me there for a reason. And there’s a certain security in knowing that I don’t have to write for money, that my family isn’t dependent upon my creativity for its bread.

I can write for love, for passion, out of conviction. My dream is being financed by my day job.

But it’s a hard place to be when one can see the more, see that carrot dangling there, just out of mouth’s reach. Just last night–bearing in my mind I said nothing–as we watched the opening scenes of that old Chevy Chase movie, Funny Farm, my wife said, “I wish that could be us, that we could move to the country, where you could write your book.”

Ah, desire! So cruelly awakened!

I wish

But the pressures of age, obligation, and health crowd in, too–their voices demanding to be heard. Let’s not forget fear. Fear is there, too, wondering:

What if you fail? What then? What if you succeed? Could you do it again? I look at the creative life, and see a life that requires much more faith and confidence than I currently have.

“Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief.” Lord, help me to wait and trust.

—————

How about you? Do you have a dream? Something that makes you come alive? Look down deep into your heart–past the clutter and the noise–what do you see? What were you made for?

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Michelle Woodman

    Chad, I hear you re: day jobs and dream jobs, belief and unbelief, confidence and fear and wishes and hopes and “What ifs?”. Like, 110% (at least) hear you. And my greatest enemy/stumbling block is, well, *me*! I hate it.

    I want to write full-time.
    I still (even as I approach 41!) want to be a mom.
    I want to use everything God has given me to His honour and glory, according to His will. Because no matter what I may want or think or dream for or hope for, if it’s not what He had for me to do, then it’s all just . . . stuff without any lasting value.

    And may I just add it has been such a treat to see you come more and more into you own as a blogger/writer since we both joined up with Killer Tribes. Good on you for going where God is leading you and your family (for such journeys are never made in a vacuum or without others, are they?).

    • Michelle, the Scriptures declare that He grants us the desires of our hearts, but I think we often miss what he’s saying because we mistrust the (new) hearts He’s given us. Our hearts are, after all, desperately wicked, right? And can’t be trusted. I but is that true of a New Testament Christian?

      I don’t think so.

      Have you read John Eldredge’s book, Desire?
      I highly recommend it.

      • Michelle Woodman

        No, I haven’t read any of his books, but I will check out your recommendation. Thanks!

        And you’re right — we do so often think anything we deisre has to be wrong and out of God’s will because of our “wicked hearts”. Now that’s not to say everything I desire is right and good, but I do know not everything I wish or long or dream or hope for is out of His will, either. I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense.

        • I forgot to thank you for your kind words! You’re right--the journeys God takes us on are never taken alone.