Why America Is “Awesomer” Than Canada by Kevin Haggerty

randomlychad  —  June 6, 2012 — 21 Comments

As I’m vacationing with my family this week, I decided last minute to take a break from posting this week. And because I’m a dumby who doesn’t plan ahead, I put out a last minute desperate plea call for guest posts. Along with Michelle Woodman, the always hilarious Kevin Haggerty rose to the challenge as well.

If you follow me on @randomlychad, you know that I put out a humorous challenge asking our blogging friends to the North to tell us all why Canada is better. Michelle’s post dropped on Monday. The following is Kevin’s rebuttal.

    Why America Is Awesomer than Canada

Your knee-jerk reaction is going to be to try and correct the grammar in my headline. But let me stop you right there.

Fact: Every time someone tries to stop a blogger from using the word ‘awesomer,’ the terrorists win.

Earlier in the week, Chad challenged the good people of the Internet to state why Canada was better than America.

This, of course, was a facetious spoof of a request, yet Michelle Woodman was unable to see the trapdoor under the thatch covering.

God bless her. She did her best. But I believe her strongest point had something to do with Captain Kirk and alien blood.

That just isn’t going to get it done.

So, now that we’re done humoring Michelle, let’s get back to reality. America is clearly a superior country to Canada, and really to any country that is not named ‘Narnia.’

That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. (Sidenote: Do they call them cookies in Canada? Do you guys even know what I’m talking about right now? Should I call them scones? Maybe crackers?)

Michelle used a list. I guess that’s the format this debate is taking, so I’ll use one too.

Without further ado, here are the reasons why the United States of America is undoubtedly better than Canada:

Lack of Celebs

For giggles, I just visited Wikipedia (which everyone knows is the true source of everything factual in the world) and found its page titled “List of Canadians.” Essentially, the page is supposed to list all noteworthy Canadians, ever.

Now, I was admittedly scanning the page, much in the same way that I listen to the opinions of people who are fans of the Twilight films. With that said, I scrolled almost the entire page before I saw names I cared about (or should I say, ‘aboot?’).

What were the names, you ask? They were Terrance and Phillip from the TV series Southpark.

If you’re unfamiliar with their respective greatness, here’s everything you need to know in ten seconds:

In summary, the most famous celebs in Canada are two cartoons characters who purposely fart on each other.

Nice.

It’s Always Cold!

It couldn’t have been more than two weeks ago that my dear Canadian buddy, Leanne Shirtliffe, was posting pictures of her snowy back yard.

At the time, it was almost 90 degrees here in “The States.”

Don’t even come at me with the standard “But the summers are so beautiful!” defense. Two to three months of splendor doesn’t make up for the rest of the year, when you’re having to dig your car out, just to go to the grocery store.

If I ever want to freeze my boogers solid, I’ll book the first flight to Quebec.

The French

One of Michelle’s arguments for Canada being superior to America is its bilingual status.

Great. Really something to be proud of. Half of your country is confusing. And have you ever heard someone speak French? It sounds like they’re gagging or about to hock a loogee.

And what kind of people group proudly eats snails and fish eggs?? Could you just not get your hands on any squirrel feces?

The worst part of French peoples’ Frenchness is that they carry about them a completely unearned air of superiority.

Seriously. Why the snobbery? You’re largely known for retreating in battle and avoiding bar soap.

Cut it out.

If you’re still wanting for evidence that America kicks the butt of all that is French, I’d like to present you with ‘Exhibit A:’

Closing Argument

Not that I really need to shore up my case any futher, but I’ll wrap things up with this.

I want you to watch the following video. Don’t take breaks. Don’t fast forward. Watch the whole thing:

Case closed.

In all seriousness, I hope you Canucks are able to take this with a grain of salt. We like you. We really do. Thanks for peanut butter, the prosthetic hand, and for inventing the man who invented basketball.

You guys rule, eh?

Kevin blogs at the awesome The Isle of Man, and you can follow him on Twitter @kevinrhaggerty. On a personal note, He’s been a great online friend to me, and this blog. As such, I would like to entreat your prayers for Kevin and his wife, Kim, as they are launching into both parenthood, and an unknown future. Kevin was recently laid off from his teaching job, and is following his dream of being a writer. Thanks so much.

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • America is awesomer than Canada, eh???

    • Fo’ shizzle, my dizzle, yo! 😉

      • Ricky Anderson

        You’ve really gotta stop saying that, Chad.

  • Michelle Woodman

    Good list, Kevin! (And you say “aboot” only if you’re in the Maritimes. Cookies are cookies, and, well, you can Google, right? Right.)

    But I, secure as I am in the awesomeness that is all things Canadiana, do not need to further defend the, well, awesomeness that is my country. My list speaks for itself.

    By the way, have you ever heard anyone speak Dutch? I have for all my life as my mom’s family is from Holland. Now *they* can sound like their hocking loogies the size of a cocker spaniel (thanks to Dave Barry for that quote, which is totally true).

  • Rob

    Well, they did give us Justin Bieber and Call Me Maybe.

    • And Nickelback!

      • Michelle Woodman

        And you gave us Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, numerous boy bands, and the list goes on and on. So please, *please* keep Tom Green.

        • There really is no trumping Nickelback. The thread should’ve ended there. 🙂

          • Michelle Woodman

            Perhaps you don’t fully understand my loathing of boy bands . . .

          • Michelle Woodman

            I hate them so much, I posted about them twice! Ha, ha!

          • Perhaps you don’t understand the rest of existence’s loathing of
            Nickelback.

          • Michelle Woodman

            I have been picking up on that, yes. 😉

  • Ricky Anderson

    Well, glad that’s settled. Well done, Kevin.

  • Ah…seriously Kevin…. we give you so much to work with and you come up with the weather, Tom Green, the French and lack of celebs?

    Shame on you.
    But then again, I wouldn’t really expect more from a Yank then to go right for the stereotypes. 😉

    • I’ve one--perhaps a bit more obscure--but who else besides Canadians would think of making syrup from the Sasketoon berry, and then putting it on pancakes.

      From the country whose national symbol is the Maple leaf, and y’all put berry syrup on your pancakes?

      I rest my case.

      😉

    • In my defense, I also mentioned the prosthetic hand.

    • Michelle Woodman

      Hear, hear, Emily! 😉

      Okay, we’ll give you the prosthetic hand, Kevin. No, really — it’s creeping me out.

      Chad, have you *had* Saskatoon berry syrup? It’s delicious. But it’s okay if you don’t like it as long as you don’t start dissing back bacon. Then . . . then we’ll probably apologize for it, eh? 😉

  • Brian

    Awesome! It’s true. Canadians are so stupid. The fact that Terrance and Phillip are the most famous celebs in Canada, is just crazy. I mean, I’m Canadian and when I looked at the Wikipedia list, I thought, “Why aren’t “Frederick Banting, the inventor of insulin, or Terry Fox, who tried to run one legged across the country to raise money for cancer research, before he died from cancer himself, more famous than these two cartoon characters?” It’s crazy!

    The fact that you scanned this list and were able to pick up on this so quickly was just so brilliant. And even your intuitive decision to ignore all the sublists of famous actors, artists, musicians was inspired. Obviously none of them would be more famous than Terrance and Phillip! You cut to the heart of it. Thank you. You are living and breathing proof of the fact that the USA and Americans are so vastly superior to my pathetic country filled with inferior human beings. Awesome! It is such a gift to be able to live next to your country. Thank you for not annexing us. 🙂

    • Touché, sir--well played.

    • Consider switching to decaf and growing a sense of humor, eh? 😉