Depression Is A Soul-Sucking Monster

randomlychad  —  May 22, 2012 — 10 Comments

Recently, someone who was widely regarded as a light in my community died. As they were close to my age, this was shocking–a cold dose of mortality. Doubly so, because this was such a bright, warm, kind, intelligent, sensitive soul.

They brought a lot of hope to a great many souls in the dark times following 9/11.

I’not naive, I know the score: the human race has a 100% mortality rate. All die.

What I’m wrestling with is how, when they brought so much life to so many, how they had none held in their heart for themselves.

Shocking would have been a bad car accident, or a previously undisclosed condition, but suicide?

That’s right–this kind soul, a light to so many, had no light left for themself, saw no other way out. I’m having such a hard time reconciling the raw, jangling, exposed-nerve reality of it with what we knew of them.



How could they leave their children behind?

It does not compute.

It seems the light that shone twice as bright burnt twice as fast. And I’m left wondering: were there signs I missed, anything I could have done? How did they go on, shining as they did, while dying on the inside?

How did they harbor such kindness for the community, but in the end had none for themselves?

It’s an enigma. One that raises the question of just how well we know anyone? And just how well are we ourselves known?

Depression is a soul-sucking monster; one that will kill you on the inside long before you die. If you feel, as they did, alone: that is a lie. One of the worst perpetrated upon the human race.

You are not alone, and I strongly urge you to confide in a trusted someone before you take that step that can’t be untaken. Please get help.

Please get help now.

Have you ever been depressed, or contemplated suicide?




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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers.Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Hi Chad, I am currently recovering from a decade long depression. By recovering, I mean attempting to heal the damage that this long dark time did to my relationships, my finances, and my health. The toll is staggering.

    • Oh, wow, Dave! I had an inkling, but had no idea as to duration. You have my prayers.

  • Ricky Anderson

    Yes, I have.

    And you’re right -- it’s all a lie.

    • As far as I’m concerned, a damned (as in to the pit of hell) lie!

  • I’ve never contemplated it, but I spent much of my youth depressed. I don’t think it was very clinical. I changed a few scripts in my life and have gotten better. I can feel it pull on occasion, though.

    • I hear you, Larry. It’s amazing that we do have the power to change our stories.

  • ShandaSargent

    I never, ever thought I would personally struggle with depression. I’m the happy, smiley, bubbly one that always has a positive attitude. A few years ago, I went through a deep and dark faith crisis (I never imagined that, either). I found myself, almost instantly, in the bottom of the pit. I couldn’t get out of bed, and if I could, I couldn’t leave my room. I couldn’t care for my children, or teach them (we homeschool). I could barely breathe. My husband did EVERYTHING… and I mean EVERYTHING. When you are in that place, and you can’t care for your responsibilities, it adds to the feeling that you are a failure. It’s crippling. I feel like it’s only by God’s grace that I got out of that pit. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Chad. I know you have an understanding, too, of what your friend might have been going through. Thank you for being so vulnerable in your sharing. Blessings…..

    • Shanda, wow! Thanks for your honest reply. We never do expect those crises, do we? Yet He tells us “In this world you shall have tribulation.” And sometimes--a lot--those internal trials are the hardest.

      Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing.

  • Yes and yes.
    On dark miserable night, I even wrote my obituary. Somehow in my confused mind I was ‘helping’ my husband when he would need it. But seeing it jarred me… and I realized I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to live with the reality I had.
    That’s when I went for counseling to help myself deal with the trauma I’d gone through the previous 1 to 2 years… and find courage and boldness to change what I could about my reality and strength to accept what I couldn’t change.

    Life is too beautiful to exit early OR to be miserable so I echo and add to your words to anyone depressed today… Please get help now. See a counselor and go for a walk every day.

    • Janet,

      I’ve read your book, and if anyone has a “right” to be despondent, it’s you. Yet it’s a testament to your faith, and God’s grace, that you didn’t stay in that place. Your life is a shining example that the darkness doesn’t have to win.

      Thanks for your heartfelt, and encouraging, comment.