Hey, Random Readers! I have the extreme honor to bring you a guest post today from the witty, hard-working Knox McCoy. Knox is known for his brilliant, hilarious recaps of the Bachelor/ette and the Walking Dead. He has also recently launched The My Bad Project as a way for Christians to apologize for the way(s) we’ve douched up our witness. He lives in a Tennessee with his wife and two young children.
You guys! What with the Killer Tribes conference this week, and all, I almost didn’t get this post writ. But a promise is a promise, right? Least I could do for blogging buddy, Chad. How I roll.
You know how I wrote about my my only thing with The Hunger Games? Well, I’ve got one thing about that new Tarsem Singh movie, I LOVED it! For serious. It was visually stunning (remember Immortals from last Fall? Same guy directed this fresh take on the Snow White story).
Everything from the dialogue to the set direction to the visuals were just lush. And stunning.
Gotcha, didn’t I?
The movie was terrible. It was the cinematic equivalent of a high colonic, but the thing is–the thing is–somehow you don’t feel cleaned out after. How does that happen?
It’s style over substance, people.
You almost get the sense that Singh’s vision–whatever that was–was, shall we say, a little hampered by the studio. Or a lot. You decide. Or don’t. Remember, I went there for you.
Impactful it was not.
Anyway, Julia Roberts was in it. At least I think she was. Either that, or someone that looked just like her somnambulated through the movie. Can we say “paycheck player” three times fast?
Ditto for Nathan Lane. I haven’t liked him since Mousetrap. Ok, that’s not true–since ever. (Best part of his “performance?” He got turned into a cockroach, and was “violated” by a grasshopper!) <--too bad that was off-camera.You guys, YOU GUYS! Remember 80's Bratpacker Mare Winningham. She's in this movie--as "Baker Lady." Boy, has she gone out to pasture. Nuff said.Anybody remember that great show on Animal Planet, Pit Boss? The one about the dude, Shorty, who has a soft spot for pit bulls? Well, two of his former crew have bit parts in this movie. That’s right–Sebastian and Ronald are Chuckles, and Wolf, respectively. Yep, they play dwarves. Must be method acting–because I believed them. They filled out those parts nicely.
I know, I know–you’re asking yourself: “What about the leads? What about Lily Collins and Armie Hammer?”
I’ll you what: after seeing Armie in The Social Network as the Winklevoss twins (that’s right, he played two parts), I was willing to forgive his ridiculous name. But not anymore. In this turgid turd he turns in the performance of a box of baking soda. (Seriously, what were his parents thinking, naming him “Armand Hammer?” “Arm & Hammer.” Get it?).
And then there’s poor Lily Collins. She of the unstoppable brows. Seriously, those things could give Jon Acuff’s uni a serious, serious run. They don’t quit! They must be why there was no palpable chemistry between her and baking soda boy. In my head, I could hear her dad’s (Phil Collins) song, In The Air Tonight: “I can hear it growing in the air tonight…”
Speaking of: the ending of course occurred in the night: a dark forest. And the beast? The scary creature, who we’d see glimpses of? Looked like nothing so much as an overgrown kitty cat in need of a tummy rub.
Turns out, that wasn’t far wrong:
The big twist was befanged, and betailed, kitty was none other than the long-thought-dead king, Sean Bean. Poor Sean, he looked befuddled. So confused–maybe concussed. I guess being turned into a kitty cat for eighteen years will do that to a man. Anyway, he sure looked like he would much rather have been anywhere else (what with those eyebrows practically stabbing him in his eyes). In fact:
He looked like he would much rather have been back in Westeros, getting his head chopped off all over again.
Somewhere in there, I think we were supposed so see some sort of feminist coming of age tale, but I couldn’t see past the brows. Or the forest for the trees. Whatever. I went there for you, people.
I went there for you.