Ketchup, Mayo! You’re “InCondiment!” Or 5 Little Words I Never Thought I’d Hear Again

randomlychad  —  March 13, 2012 — 10 Comments

As with millions of families, mine was stricken with illness(es) this past month. It started with my wife’s grandmother falling, and subsequently breaking her hip (she’s 98). Which was followed by a very serious surgery. (It’s cool–grandma came through with flying colors).

That stressor was followed by each of the four (including me) members of my family falling like dominoes in the path of the crud. First, my wife; then, our daughter, me, and lastly our teenage son.

Lisa developed a deep, throaty, yet gurgly cough that left her feeling rather phlegmatic. I had a cough, and congestion–and did our son. Our poor little girl–though it seemed she just had a “bad cold,” one day she awoke with a high fever that wouldn’t come down.

Turns out, after a trip to the E.R., she had pneumonia (did I mention her grandpa had it, too?).

Awesome? Not so much. The good news is that we seem to have caught it right on the cusp of turning bad, and no hospitalization was required.

We dodged a bullet on that one. And thank God for that!

That was a week ago Sunday. And where do you think we ended up again this past Sunday?

You guessed it: the E.R. This time, it was my wife, who although she seemed to have gotten over the crud, now had severe abdominal pains, accompanied with bleeding.

We get checked in, get her triaged, give a urine sample, finally get back to a room.

And we wait.

And wait some more.

(Anyone who’s ever been to the hospital can attest to the interminable waiting which occurs).

Someone comes in, asks for a urine sample. We tell them one was given at triage.

We wait.

Someone else comes in, again asking for a urine sample. We say, again, piss off… Er, rather, you’ve already got one.

More waiting…

Finally, a doctor shows up, and says…

[Based on her level of discomfort, the presence of blood, etc., I’m not sure what I expected to hear. But I thought it was something serious]

What he actually said was:

“Your pregnancy test was positive. And you have a raging UTI.”

Pregnancy what what? I didn’t know we were even trying. Or that you were testing.

My wife says “Doctor, you’re kidding, right?”

To which he replies “No, ma’am, not even with a gun to my head would I joke about test results with a patient. But I can see this is unexpected news. We can follow up with a blood test.”

He exuents like a boss. We’re sitting there thunderstruck. My first thought is “Sweetie, is there something you need to tell me?” But I know my wife, you? There weren’t no “funny bidness” going on.

She calls her mom; I start laughing, and can’t stop. After the month we just had, after spending two consecutive Sundays in the E.R.–this is how God shows up?

We’re having another child? It’s too much, and I lose it…

[Cue Jeopardy theme here. Ok, roll theme]

Yes, we waited some more.

And yet some more.

Then the “vampires,” er, phlebotomists came, pulled blood from her arm.

Yep, you guessed it–more waiting.

(In the meantime, my Mrs.’s pain level has been steadily declining).

At this point, I’d say we’re about four-and-a-half hours into this little adventure in odyssey, when the doctor returns, begins telling us that her HCG levels (based on blood test) are 0.05, or nominal for the average, healthy, non-pregnant female the species. He then starts to mention something about a UTI, my wife asks a question, and his phone rings…

(I’m not making this up). Doc says “Hi, sweetie! No, I’m with a patient. [To us: “I have to take this”].”

What? We look at each like “Did that just happen?”

“So you’re not pregnant?”

“Guess not. And I wonder about the UTI, too.”

The doctor returns, says “That was my wife, it was about one of our kids. I knew you wouldn’t mind.”

After almost five hours, and an on, then off, pregnancy? We wouldn’t mind? We ask about the likelihood of the initial labs getting, you know, switched. He poo-pops that, tells us to retest in ten days, that we’re free to go.

He exuents again like (he thinks he’s) a boss. We don’t see doctor douchebag anymore And don’t ever hope to again.

I close the door, help my wife change I to her clothes.

We wait.

The discharge nurse shows up, Lisa signs the papers, she gives her a script for Augmentin, we go.

—————

We’re exhausted at this point, but something just doesn’t feel right. I’m leaning towards her still having a UTI, but she says she now feels fine.

We go to bed.

The next morning, we get the kids off to school, and Lisa decides to follow up with our primary care doctor. Here’s the TL;DR version:

Two tests results later, and the verdict is in–she’s neither pregnant, nor does she have a UTI.

Which means: who was pregnant? Who had a UTI? Whose sample got switched with Lisa’s?

But we feel sorry for the poor pregnant woman who left the hospital the previous night without getting the proper treatment.

In other words, “Ketchup, Mayo, you’re ‘in-condiment.'”

(Oh, by the way, I would be remiss to say that the likeliest cause of Lisa’s symptoms, and thus the cause of our trip to the happiest place on earth: a kidney stone.

Yes, we’re the proud parents of a crystalline sphere of calcium carbonate!)

How about you? Have you ever had anything weird, funny, of just plain strange happen in the hospital?

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • Wow. Just wow.

    • No kidding, right? Five hours in the hospital, & they couldn’t correctly diagnose a kidney stone. The mind boggles.

    • Maybe you can turn it into one of your Ryan Gosling things:

      “Hey, girl! You know how I told you 3 hours ago you were preggo? What do I know? I’m an actor--not a doctor.”

  • No, but I did take my wife to the emergency room for her appendix once and there was definitely no sense of urgency that we could determine. We got there at 5 p.m. and surgery was at 2 a.m.

    • I know; what’s up with that?

      We’re they waiting for her hot appy to burst?

  • Congratulations!

    Ish.

  • After my last experience with the hospital, I’m not a big fan. My wife and I waited in the ER for ~10 hours in the middle of the night before the ER staff finally figured out what to do next. It wasn’t pleasant.

  • I believe I would have passed out if a Dr. said my wife was pregnant. Wow.

    • I laughed that laugh that Sarah laughed--the one that means “Nuh-uh!”