“Head Down,” Or What’s Going On With Me

randomlychad  —  March 29, 2012 — 18 Comments

First, an apology:

If I used to comment regularly on your blog, and haven’t lately (or in awhile), I’m sorry.


Due to a vast confluence of circumstances–trials, tribulations, and indeed some victories–I’ve been in “Head Down” mode.

What’s that, you ask?

It’s like this:

Say that life is like a football (American style) game, and a receiver has just snatched the ball from the air. That ball becomes his life, and he must do everything possible to power through the crushing throng of defenders. He goes “head down,” and does his utmost to get to the goal.

Let’s further say that I’m that receiver; lately, it’s all I can do to hold onto that ball. Forget moving forward for right now. The crushing tide of the “defenders”–illnesses, obligations–just, you know, life–has got me down.

Stupid as it is, when my character–Sam Gamgee–was knocked out of Clay Morgan’s March Movie Madness 2, that really bummed me out.

It was just one more thing. One more defeat.

I feel stupid and weak admitting this.


Concomitant with my struggle, I had a child who desperately wanted to go on an eighth grade trip. For which I had no way to pay. And for which my wife and I both felt bad about.

The kicker here is that all I could do was bemoan the fact that I didn’t get to go to the Killer Tribes conference. Which I actually asked God to please work out somehow. Did I ask Him to provide for my son’s need?

No–I did not. (It seems that God had plans of His own on that score, and my wife and I are both profoundly humbled by, and extremely grateful for, how unexpectedly He came through for Jonathan. God knows he needed it).

That, my friends, is for me yet another aspect of that “head down” mode–when I can’t see past my own skin.

Which we also know as: depression.

So, as I indicated at the beginning, if I seem to have gone underground, not been around, or acted out in weird ways, now you know why.

Has life ever felt like too much to you? Have you ever struggled with the demon of depression?




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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers.

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  • Praying for you. Keep your chin up. We’ve dealt with some rough stuff at our house, so I can guess how you’re feeling. Proverbs 3:5-6

    • Thanks, Jon! Praying for you, too! 2 Cor 4:17

  • I dealt with severe depression and suicidal thoughts throughout middle school, and every once in a while, remnants of that come back to haunt me.

    I, too, feel like I’m in a “head down” phase right now. Yesterday, my blog template broke, my laptop started breaking, and our fridge started leaking oil -- all within a span of about 10 minutes. I tweeted, hoping someone would at least have a word of encouragement for me, but got nothing. That just led me to burying myself in my own pity.

    It’s no good. I’m trying to get out, but it just seems like one thing after another.

    • I hear you, man!

      It’s like “God, what are you up to?” But He doesn’t the way we always want, you know? Because instead of an answer, He sidesteps the question, and goes “I’m not going to answer that. Because either you wouldn’t understand, or it’ll only get you by until the next question. Besides: I AM the Answer.”
      At least that’s what I “hear” (when I take the time to “listen”--which is hard when I’m in “me mode”).

      Praying for you!

  • Yup.

    • Would that I did not feel life so acutely at times…

      Yet, I suppose we wouldn’t do what we do (chronicle life) if we did not…

  • Dan McM

    Well, hang in there, dude….

    I’m in a similar head-down mode too, trying to fight through my own set of whack circumstances. I really prefer being in linebacker mode myself — knees bent, weight balanced, ready to react and tackle whatever situation pops up. But, either one of those modes beats the scrambling, screaming scaredy-cat mode (thinking of a scene from Little Giants) where the kid with the ball is just trying to avoid getting hit.

    I’m very glad that your son got to go on his 8th grade trip. I’m worrying in advance about that for next year — my youngest will be in 8th grade and they do a DC trip. Guess I just have to do my best to hunker down and get the money saved…..

    • That life is is so “whack” makes me all the more thankful for grace.

      Praying for peace in your storm.


  • I hear ya friend. These last three years have been tough. Each one tougher than the last culminating in this past year. Plugging along, that’s what we did/do. Truthfully I was and am, phoning it in so to speak. I have to continually look for those things to give thanks for that I miss so easily. It builds me to have a thank you list.

    • A “thank-you” list that is a capitol idea! I do too often have to remind myself to be thankful.

  • I appreciate your transparency. It’s cool that you’re willing to admit the “embarrassing” stuff and not try to paint us a picture of a version of you that’s fake just to impress us. I’m already impressed that you’re willing to be yourself, and be open about what you’re going through. Very cool.

    • I tried the “other way”--and it’s just too exhausting to try and be “cool.”
      Appreciate that, Stephen!

      You’re good peoples!

  • I feel you Chad. I probably moaned and groaned about not being able to go to KT than you did. I’m such a baby. 🙂

    • 🙂

      In my case, I had wifely approval, but no finances for it.

      I feel your pain.

      • We’re in the same boat. My wife didn’t care. We just couldn’t have afforded it. Next year, I hope.

  • Ricky Anderson

    You know what I’m excited about?

    Watching you grow again. Every time you reach a hill, you get better and better at climbing it, Chad.

    I’ve watched you do it before.

    • Thanks, bro! Means a lot.

      I don’t care what they say--you’re good peeps! 😉

      It’s true, you are--even if you did call yourself a “jerkface” on Twitter. You’re just not. You just try to hide your kindness beneath a thin layer of bluster and bravado. But you’re not fooling me--or anyone for that matter. And that right there is why folks did the happy dance when they thought you were on Facebook.

      It’s true.