So. I’ve mentioned that I have a piece in a book called Not Alone: Stories of Living with Depression. Yeah, it surprises me, too. Thing is, if you met me, you’d probably think “he seems like a pretty happy guy.”
The truth is: I get by.
Mostly, it’s the lack of restful sleep that precipitates my tumbling down the rabbit hole. It’s altogether too easy to get to that place where I just don’t care. Where life is too much. Sure, I show up at work, I perform… Enough.
I’m present at home… Just barely.
Depression is that lying b*tch inside my head that tells me that:
I’ll never be good enough
That nobody cares
That I’m a horrible husband and father
That my family would be better off with someone else
That what I do:
And here, on the blog,
That I don’t matter
But, it’s not true–not a word of it.
It’s just how I feel sometimes. More since having thyroid problems and sleep apnea.
And so I try to medicate with:
Basically, things outside myself–because I desperately want to fix me. I want to feel good about me.
I’m not complaining.
(“Hey! Look at the sad, middle-aged white guy! His first world problems have got him down!”).
I know I have a good life, a great wife, great kids; like Elijah after Carmel, it’s just where I am at.
(Side note: I need so badly to stop obsessively checking the stats on my blog, because doing so makes me feel like nothing so much as an epic failure).
The biggest lie that that b*tch depression tells? That I’m alone. That I can’t tell my wife, for instance, because she has enough on her plate already. Too much.
But it’s not true. I’m not alone. There are many, many of you out there suffering with depression, know somebody with depression. I want you to know that there is help, there is hope, there is healing, in community.
In sharing your story.
That’s why I shared mine in Not Alone. Please consider buying the book today–for yourself, friends, family members. You’ll be glad you did.
And I promise no one from Nigeria will contact you for your bank account details. 🙂
Let’s make depression our b*tch, ok?
Are you depressed? Have you ever been depressed? Did you ever want to punch someone who said they were “too blessed to be depressed?” <--just kidding there Do you know someone who's battling depression? May I pray for you?