Top 10 Cereals You’ll Never, Ever See Anywhere

randomlychad  —  August 25, 2011 — 109 Comments

So, the grey matters are a little fried between life, work, yesterdays’s blogpocalypse, insomnia, and fighting a cold.

Did I miss anything? I don’t know.

So forgive me if this is incoherent; I blame the Advil. 😉

Today, I bring you the top 10 cereals you’ll never, ever see gracing anyone’s breakfast tables (let alone store shelves):

10. Lucky Chums–strong enough for a man, but made for sharks. And lucky is what you won’t be if you get caught in a of school sharks and their chums! And, Hello! Fish are food. Don’t listen to that Nemo–he’s nuts!

9. Franken’s Berries. Sorry, folks, this one’s only available at the Capitol Café in D.C. And only to senators. Well, really only one senator.

8. Grape Nuts. (Oh, wait, that’s real cereal–my bad. But there’s neither grapes, nor nuts, in it. In fact, this junk is nothing so much as like chewing a mouthful of stones).

7. Meaties–bacon-flavored cereal, and breakfast of true champions. (Actually, i think this is a good idea, and one that should grace our tables with it’s presence. Get on this already, General Mills! K thx bai!).

6. Medical Marijuana, or as I like to call it, “Cocoa Puffs.” Who wouldn’t love all that rich, chocalately goodness with a little extra sumpin-sumpin? Am I right? (I think Charlie Sheen really digs these).

5. Frosted Flakes: they have Tony’s tiger blood™ in them. Charlie Sheen eats these because of this–and because he is one. A frosted flake. It’s all a little Inception-y.

4. Frosted Mini-Meats. Like #7 above, but made from tasty mutton.

3. Honey NutzOs–pure wheaty, goodness for noshing on, and hanging on the back of your truck, too. If you’re so inclined. (Charlie Sheen eats these, too).

2. Pop Tarts–not, strictly speaking, a cereal, but they–due to their comely strumpet form–are a favorite amongst men. Usually eaten with tea. (And yes, Charlie eats these, too).

1. Grand Mal’s Mellow–this one will put you in sugar shock like no one’s business. You will seize with delight.

(Yes, this post was entirely tongue-in-cheek, ok? No hate mail).

Can you think of any cereals that should never exist?

Comments

comments

randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • JBen

    I don't know if meaties is going to fly with the jewish crowd. Meat and dairy= bad.

    Nice work. And grape nuts are good when you let them get a little soggy.

  • Broken-glass-ios.

  • Didn't he eat a whole airplane, too? Wow.

    • Believe so. They called him “Monsieur Manger Tous”--Mr. Eat-All.

  • Cindy Holman

    Oh Chad -- these are HILARIOUS! Love the Medical Marijuana one -- so funny -- "a little sumpin, sumpin"

    • Thanks, Cindy! Lists like this come from a different place in my brain, I think--the one that likes to play with words. 🙂

  • Wasn't there once a PopTarts cereal? I think it was like mini PopTarts, frosted and everything. Your GrapeNuts line made me think of SNL's Coffee Talk with Linda Richman- "I'm getting verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic for you: GrapeNuts are neither grape nor nuts. Discuss."

    • There may have been such a cereal, Jared--I don't know.That SNL bit sounds hilarious! And verklempt is such a funny-sounding word!

  • How about Metal-Oh's!
    or Mulch Maties?

    • Indeed! Served with a side of humus! 😉

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  • hmmmm

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