Wednesday “Haterade” I Hate Myself Edition

randomlychad  —  July 27, 2011 — 6 Comments

Listen. Come a little closer. That’s right–here around the corner. I need to tell you something.

Please keep this in confidence, okay?

'Douche' photo (c) 2008, Mike Schmid - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

I know you’ve come to expect a humorous juxtaposition of roast and homage here on the blog every Wednesday. Believe me, I have plenty of willing “victims” lining up, waiting on me to “hate” them. In fact, if I don’t get off my duff, and start doing so, plenty of people are going to start hating me. 😉

Thing is, I’m just not feeling it today. I’m feeling nothing so much as tired, and vulnerable.

In fact, I kinda hate myself.

I hate that:

I too often settle for “good enough,” instead of excellence.

I have a hard time (especially lately) accepting responsibility when I’m wrong.

I constantly critique, and compare, myself to other (in my estimation) more successful bloggers (I always come out on the short end).

I, at 42 years old, too often believe my dad’s words about me–and not my heavenly Father’s.

I’m afraid that, though I’m laying my heart bare here, no one will care.

Don’t get me wrong: I have a blessed, wonderful, privileged life–great kids, beautiful wife–but sometimes I just don’t wanna be me.

I want to be better, I want to be whole.

I’m waiting for God to make me whole.

Sometimes it’s just hard living in the tension between the now and the not yet, you know?

This constantly being in transition is vexing to my introverted soul.

Sorry if that all sounds like nothing so much as a pity party–it’s just where I’m at today.

How about you? Do you ever hate yourself?

(Please note: it’s been a very busy day. I know I promised to announce the winner of the Quitter book, and I will–later).

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randomlychad

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Christ-follower, husband, dad, blogger, reader, writer, movie buff, introvert, desert-dweller, omnivore, gym rat. May, or may not, have a burgeoning collection of Darth Vader t-shirts. Can usually be found drinking protein shakes, playing with daughter, working out with his son, or hanging out with his wife. Makes a living playing with computers. Subscribe to RandomlyChad by Email

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  • JBen

    Well don't be too sad. You won my Exodus 22 pop quiz. 7/8 with a possibility of an 8/8. I'll email you some deets as to how I will celebrate your victory.

    • Awesome, dude! Thanks! Looking forward to the email.Just feeling a little lost lately with: sleep issues, persistent headaches, job stuff--you know, life. 🙂

  • Great post Chad! Good to see you're giving yourself a little love…um, er…I mean hate! We do love you bro 🙂

    • Thanks, Tor! You're good peoples!

  • Michelle

    Sounds like you're human, to me.

    But I know that our Lord doesn't look at us like we do, and even though I know that, I don't always remember that.

    • Truly, Michelle, I'm guilty as charged: human. And completely gladthat He doesn't see me like I see myself.