>If asked I would tell you that I have been a Christian for nearly twenty-two years; in all that time, I don’t know that I’ve ever truly believed that God loves me. How messed up is that? How can I give away what I don’t believe? Donald Miller said that, at one time, he didn’t like God because “God doesn’t resolve.” Well, for me, faith doesn’t resolve (maybe this is the same thing). The truth of this was impressed upon me not ten minutes ago. A truly terrible movie, Cutthroat Island, was on. There’s a scene where Matthew Modine’s character is rapidly sinking into quicksand, and Geena Davis’ character, arguably from a place of strength, seeks to secure something from him (before she’ll agree to help him out of his predicament). He says he’d feel much better discussing this from solid ground. In that moment, it was like I was the man in quicksand, and Geena Davis was God. And instead of giving over, I’d rather debate the merits of my very rational (to me) fear than be saved. How messed up is that? Almost as if I expect Him to argue me into belief. For most of the last twenty-two years, I have approached Him with Whom I have to do with the wrong kind of fear, seeking assurances He never promised to give. Is it any wonder that He hasn’t used me to lead someone to Him? Because, again, how can I give away something I don’t have? All of this, from a late night movie.